June 2009

“My Rat Terrier is Fat”

June 29, 2009

In what may become a weekly feature, lethargy permitting, I have once again gathered my tracking data to see what sometimes-literally-burning questions have brought visitors to my humble website. Having, for the first time, a full seven days worth of results, I was able to see some patterns emerging. For instance, In the past week, [...]

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Sunday.

June 28, 2009

Now, if this were REALLY a representative Sunday picture it would be of the urgent care waiting room I sat in for two hours this morning, or maybe a sort of still life of used tissues and my complementary prescriptions for amoxicillin and diflucan. Better yet, of the honest to god dreadlock that seems to [...]

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Launched.

June 27, 2009

I am sick with some sort of flu. Just in case it is swine related, this morning I ate a rasher of bacon as spitefully as I know how. I usually feel better each successive day of an illness—save for the first two—but this time it is quite the opposite, and I have a sinking [...]

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Grey Area.

June 26, 2009

As requested earlier this week, allow me to present my brain, a scientific rendering: Here is a link to a larger version. I hope this has been instructive.

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RIP PYT.

June 25, 2009

Well, I was going to post something else—a scintillating diagram of my brain, actually—but I have just heard the news about Michael Jackson. I don’t know if I have told you this, but at one time…oh, about 25 years ago, it was my intent to marry him. I had a Michael Jackson doll (Barbie VASTLY [...]

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And They Shouldn’t Fence at Night! Or They’re Going to Hurt the Gymnasts!

June 24, 2009

For the past year—wait, that can’t be right, can it? *looks at calendar* Fine. For the past really, really, unusually long week, Scott has been leaving for work before five a.m. and returning around six in the evening. Before you get all choked up with sympathy for my husband, allow me to remind you that [...]

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What Brings You Here?

June 22, 2009

This past weekend I added Google Analytics to this site, and I must say the results have been fascinating. People find their way here through such an enchanting variety of search queries, but often they leave with their concerns unaddressed. Well, no longer! I live to serve, you see. can baby be a boy even [...]

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Saturday.

June 20, 2009
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Concussed.

June 19, 2009

No day in which you have already been to the emergency room and back by eleven a.m. can be said to be a pleasant one, unless, I suppose, someone later appears on your doorstep with a gift-wrapped box of money, a plate of lobster ravioli in saffron cream sauce, and a magnum of fine champagne. [...]

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Guest Star.

June 18, 2009

This very special entry is brought to you by my husband, whom I have been BEGGING to guest post for YEARS. Generally I am stridently anti-censorship, but because of the subject matter, I feel compelled to add some clarification (in red). 10 things you don’t know about Alexa 1. Alexa once pushed a girl down [...]

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If you hear…

June 17, 2009

…a long, ascending wail, say about 7:30 a.m. False European Time, perhaps followed by the sound of mournful, furious typing, don’t be alarmed. It’s just my mother, realizing I don’t keep my promises. {Confidential to you-know-who: Scott is working late; I’m on solo baby duty and typing this very very quickly while she wails, neglected, [...]

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Baby of the Year.

June 16, 2009

The nice thing about entering a weekly baby contest is that it provides handy reference points for comparison. The above two Baby of the Week pictures were taken one year apart. I have drawn up an illustrative chart of changes for your reference: OUT:                                                              IN: Oxygen tanks                                                    Fresh(ish) air Blue eyes                                                            Hazel eyes Bassinet                                                              Bed [...]

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Handbag of Shame: For Waffle.

June 15, 2009

Inspired by the inimitable Jaywalker, and also by my need to post something, anything for my ungrateful mother, I have decided to reveal to you the contents of Pearl, my handbag. Roughly clockwise-ish, from left to right: 1. Passport, which has remained in outside pocket since my trip last month. You know, in case I [...]

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The Man What Made You.

June 14, 2009

To celebrate Father’s Day, Simone demonstrated the proper way to turn a solitary, contemplative shower into…not that: When we attempt to cleanse ourselves, Simone likes to whip the curtain open and stand there in the spray until she is soaked through, occasionally trying to twist the hot water spigot, for sport. Don’t bother suggesting we [...]

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Reasons I’m Not Posting Today.

June 13, 2009

1. It is actually much worse than it looks. No one burns more easily and through higher SPFs than I. 2. This morning my mother informed me that she HASN’T BEEN READING MY POSTS for the last few days. Surely, you are thinking, there has been a terrible accident—perhaps the crazy Italian who ran her [...]

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An Hour in the Life.

June 12, 2009

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I have had a terrible headache all day long, and Simone’s newfound love of the xylophone is not helping. In lieu of an actual post, here is a collection of my thoughts from today lazily conveniently arranged in bulletpoints: What does one wear at BlogHer? Does one change in the evenings? [...]

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Alexa Abroad! Part 3C.

June 11, 2009

MONDAY: It was grey and drizzly when we arrived in Luzern. Our first stop was the lion pictured in the picture portion, rather depressingly called “THE DYING LION OF LUZERN.” Mark Twain called it “the saddest and most moving piece of rock in the world,” a memorial to Swiss mercenaries who died at the Tuileries [...]

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Alexa Abroad! Part 3B: Locomotive Interlude.

June 10, 2009

For me, the most memorable part of the train ride to Luzern was the view of Shantytown out the window. I was shocked, I will admit, to see the collection of little shacks all out in the country, doubtlessly banished there by the repressive Swiss government so that the poor would not be an embarrassment, [...]

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Alexa Abroad! Part 3A: Luzern In Pictures.

June 9, 2009
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The Four Molars of The Apocalypse.

June 8, 2009

Oh, what a day. Simone screamed—oh, sorry, that doesn’t quite do it justice—SCREEEEEEEEEAMED! for hours, and hours, and, improbably enough, more hours still. Cried and screamed and cried and screamed until she started coughing and couldn’t stop. Last night she was up five times, with the screaming, and then after a brief respite this morning [...]

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Seeing Eye.

June 7, 2009

I am having technical difficulties with my Luzern photos, so I thought I would give you an update on the baby-with-glasses situation. Many of you wondered how they calculated Simone’s prescription in the first place, and I don’t blame you. Babies can’t read, and they’re wiggly, and they are terrible at following instructions. This seems [...]

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Alexa Abroad! Part Nun.

June 6, 2009

I am sure you will all be terribly relieved to hear that I found the TWIN NUNS! picture. Alas, it was taken from quite a distance, and isn’t as illustrative as I had hoped. The distance was necessary to maintain the illusion that I was in fact photographing the scenery, and not Bride-Of-Christ doppelgangers. I [...]

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She Calls It a “Medicinal Spa Drink.”

June 5, 2009

Simone is getting a molar, either that or she has a form of the mumps in which there is only one mump present, located in the mouth along the gum. This development, along with the fact that the Internet hates me (as evidenced by my Facebook and Twitter accounts being hacked within days of each [...]

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