An Hour in the Life.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I have had a terrible headache all day long, and Simone’s newfound love of the xylophone is not helping. In lieu of an actual post, here is a collection of my thoughts from today lazily conveniently arranged in bulletpoints:

  • What does one wear at BlogHer?
  • Does one change in the evenings? Change into what, exactly?
  • Speaking of BlogHer, do I just…wander around and hope to run into people?
  • Should I be scheduling rendezvous?
  • What is the plural of rendezvous? Is there a plural of rendezvous?
  • Could my eyeball just pop right out from all the pressure behind it? Has that happened?
  • If it happened, what would I transport it in on the way to the hospital? Saline solution, probably.
  • Or would the salt be a bad idea? How much salt?
  • Hey, what do you call an epileptic who’s a real asshole? A MYOCLONIC JERK!
  • That doesn’t even make sense. Myclonic jerks are more commonly associated with something like Parkinson’s, and you can’t make fun of Parkinson’s.
  • What, but epilepsy’s okay, you heartless bastard?
  • Why did I even buy Simone that stupid xylophone?
  • Back to BlogHer: how many business cards should I get?
  • Do people carry their cameras around? Cameras are heavy!
  • I can’t believe I get to stay in a hotel all by myself for a whole weekend, and pretend it’s “for my career.”
  • Speaking of careers, whatever happened to mine?
  • Let’s talk about something else. Hotel! King-sized bed! Room service!
  • Not that I’ll have time for room service—too many parties. I should probably start training for them. Training myself to stay up past 9pm.
  • Really. I can’t afford to freelance any longer, unless I get some more actual clients.
  • Oh my god, I going to have to start waitressing at night.
  • Or hooking.
  • No, I would pay NOT to see me naked, at the moment.
  • Why does no one tell you what will happen to your breasts after you stop nursing?
  • Maybe I could start again? It’s only been what, three months? Adoptive moms breastfeed. I could make it work.
  • Except for all the biting.
  • Maybe I’ll mostly wear dresses, at BlogHer. With flattering empire waists.
  • My legs are too pale. And covered in bruises. I wish they made self-tanner that looked natural on the exceptionally pallid.
  • Maybe they do?
  • Why do I bruise so easily? God, I hope I don’t have Leukemia.
  • I have to think of something to say at that March of Dimes thing on Tuesday.
  • “My baby was born weighing less than a small guinea pig, and it sucked. Let’s make that happen less.”
  • There, done.
  • I think I need to eat something.
  • Did I have lunch? It’s hard to remember, my brain is having trouble working, what with ALL THAT XYLOPHONE.
  • Oh my god, I still have to post today.


  1. Kelly says:

    OMG! I am also exceptionally pallid and I have ALWAYS longed for a self tanner that worked on me. Upon seeing my effervescent skin people always remark, “why don’t you use self tanner?” I always first think they’re rude and then tell a very long story about how horrible it is on me bc I really am THAT PALE to begin with. Bah!

  2. Jenertia says:

    Oh, hey – no worries about the eyeball transportation solution – if your eye pops out due to pressure, it will just hang there on your cheek, still attached to your brain by the muscles and optic nerve stalk.

    Your welcome.

  3. Janet says:

    Order free business cards from right away (and, no, I’m not affiliated with them — but they print decent cards). Did I mention they are FREE?

    Next — for the headache — stick a wet washcloth in the freezer for a while and then hold that over your forehead & eyes.

  4. Rebekah says:

    There needs to be a BlogHer for those of us who just read blogs and occasionally comment but who don’t have blogs of their own because they are lousy writers and self-conscious and can’t even keep a food journal for more than three days, let alone a captivating online histoire de moi.

  5. Kris says:

    I hear the bruising is related to Vitamin D deficiency. I’m taking 2,000 mg a day. We’ll see if my pale legs look less like my son beats me anytime soon.

  6. Jessica says:

    I am ALSO very palid and find that Clarins self-tanner, judiciously applied, takes the edge off. I will never look TAN, but I look Less Blindingly White, and so far it hasn’t turned me Lohan Orange.

  7. shriek house says:

    You can totally make fun of myoclonic jerks! They are associated with sleeping, as in, when you’re falling asleep you might have one. Totally funny AND PC!

    Good luck with the xylophone, tho.

  8. maureen says:

    I recommend Olay “Touch of Sun.” It’s not the world’s greatest lotion, but I usually mix it with my nicer moisturizer. It’s not a fake tanner, but it does take the edge off the paleness.

  9. megs says:

    I’m now feeling better about putting the xylophone back on the shelf at the BigBoxBaby store earlier this evening. We fancy ourselves anti-“noise-toys,”, but that’s easy right now since we have a baby that is more or less pre-toy. We took the batteries out of the exersaucer and don’t bother with the music on the swing. But that xylophone was so pretty and classic looking, I almost couldn’t resist. Plus the day-care girls keep writing “I love the [ed.: incredibly flashy and noisy] foot gym!!” on Hank’s little “About My Day” sheets, so I worry that maybe he loves noise and flashy plasticky stuff and we’re ruining his life with our wooden euro-toys and boring, non midi music.

  10. Theodosia says:

    I’m still nursing – what happens to your breasts? I don’t want to know, do I? It is going to end badly, isn’t it? Great.

  11. jen says:

    Why does no one tell you what breastfeeding does after you are done? And I am so glad I didn’t order that xylophone. It is even saved in my Amazon shopping cart for “later” which now means “never” based on what you’ve written.

  12. AmyinTexas says:

    Speaking of post-nursing breasts… perhaps someone should alert Lands’ End that their size A, padded cup, swimsuit top is made for the never-nursed size A, not the POST-nursing (of three kids) size A. I discovered this tonight–the hard way.

    Hope the head is better.

  13. Alexis says:

    They make this make up for your legs that makes it look like you are wearing hose. It’s really nice and it just washes off in the evening. And it helps hide the bruises.

  14. Waltzinexile says:

    Other than the fact that I really really want to meet you, this post now has me scared witless about BlogHer.
    I don’t have business cards (or a career), I’m sure to have the wrong clothes, and I have no idea how to meet people. F*ck — it’s like I signed up for eighth grade again.

  15. Aurelia says:

    Well, for rendezvous, I would totally hang with you if you wanted to. And we could be nerdy together! Well, you could be cool, and I will be your nerdy friend. Heh

    As for cards, do they come in set amounts? Most boxes at local printers seem to come in 500s so far, and you don’t have to worry about mailing time.

    And for what to wear, I have no bloody idea for this place, but am basing it on other conventions. I have to go shopping but so far am thinking about comfortable shoes because every convention I’ve ever been to has involved lots of standing and chatting. Otherwise, mostly comfortable clothes. I’m still losing babyweight so I’m not going to buy much. A couple of summer dress/skirt combos in case dinner is dressy, and a couple of sweaters or jackets with pockets in case it’s too cold or hot in the hall.

    I am bringing a bathing suit because I plan on finding a hot tub and pretending I’m still young and swinging for like half an hour!

    And you won’t have to waitress! Silly!

  16. Aurelia says:

    Ok, serious promise, to everyone nervous above, I will hang out with you and we can be nervous in the corner and in the eighth grade together. K?

  17. MsPrufrock says:

    I was all ready to write a coherent comment, but after reading Shamelessly Sassy’s comment, I’ve lost the ability to type. I pray to god the woman had a glass eye or something to make that whole scene a little less traumatising. Not for her, for those who read about it. Ew.

    Anyway, I think I will steal “exceptionally pallid”, because I have never heard our affliction so aptly described. Can you imagine you, me and Molly in a room, baring our legs? Jesus. It would be like a bloody atom bomb explosion of pure white. Amazing.

  18. Jennifer says:

    Too funny. I was just looking down in the shower today and thought the same thing about my breasts. First time in my life that I seriously considered a boob job (yeah like I have money for that!)I’d agree to pump 6 times a day again just to have breasts that stay where they belong.

  19. Veronica says:

    No idea about any of them, except the bruising easily. I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome and bruise like a mo’fo over nothing. Vitamin C helps. Eat more vitamin C.

  20. Jerilyn says:

    For Mother’s Day, my husband gave me a night in a hotel all by myself with a king-sized bed and a nice, deep soaking tub. It was awesome! Enjoy every minute alone in your hotel room at BlogHer! You deserve it!

    P.S. Make sure you know how to work the sleep timer on the hotel TV properly. I didn’t… such a bummer to be woken up at 3am when I didn’t have to be.

  21. Karen MEG says:

    I found you when I googled “how many cards to take to BlogHer”! I’m glad that I found your blog…my first BlogHer is stressing me out, although I’m madly excited at the same time.

    Hopefully I’ll find you there, you know, if either of us decide to leave our king-sized bed hotel rooms that we have all to ourselves :)!

  22. Karen MEG says:

    Oh, and OMG, after nursing 2 kids, 4 years after the last, I really wish I had taken a picture of the boobs I had…they were barely here before, but are now pretty much non-existent.

  23. Mama Fuss says:

    the Jergens lotion that is a self-tanner – works really well on pale skin. You won’t look like a bronze goddess when you’re done, but you won’t look like a ghost, either. There is a 7 day version and a 3 day. I use the 3 day.

  24. Erin says:

    Oh, how I love your writing. MORE!

    Also, don’t tell me what my bewbs will look like after I stop nursing. I’m ascairt.

  25. Stefanie says:

    I tried going back to hooking but it was really hard to make a profit in the 11 am to 3 pm when i have help and don’t have to pick my kid up from preschool yet. My husband suggested I move my hooking schedule to when the twins are in bed but I, like you, can’t stay awake past 9 pm. What’s a whore to do?

    I got a lot of cards last year for BlogHer and still have almost all of them left. So don’t get too many.

    I plan to dress super slutty since I bet there will be a ton of opportunities to cheat on my husband with random dads or bartenders. And by slutty I mean, a clean t-shirt as opposed to one with pedia-puke stains.

  26. ‘Rendezvii’.

    I got 25,000 cards because toilet paper’s getting so damned expensive.

    From what I hear, the trick is to wander around aimlessly until someone who recognizes you pantzes you from behind. But don’t worry. I’ll tap you on the shoulder first and give you a chance to grab your skirt.

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