Guest Star.
This very special entry is brought to you by my husband, whom I have been BEGGING to guest post for YEARS. Generally I am stridently anti-censorship, but because of the subject matter, I feel compelled to add some clarification (in red).
10 things you don’t know about Alexa
1. Alexa once pushed a girl down the stairs at school. A fact she states with the calm and creepily detached manner of a robot in an all robot production of the Jeffrey Dahmer Story.
Oh, now. If I DID, which I am not conceding, it would have been because she wanted to “fight” me, and I do not “fight,” and also she was foolish enough to be standing at the top of a flight of stairs.
2. When we were first dating we watched an episode of The O.C. on my computer. Alexa, though owning a computer of her own, had never heard of such a thing, she was only slightly less amazed than if I had performed actual magic.
3. Alexa used to cover her face with a t-shirt and flail her arms and awkwardly kick her foot inches in the air. She called this character Most Secret Ninja.
Most Secret Ninja was a LEGITIMATE CHARACTER created by one of my college friends, thank you very much.
4. On our first date Alexa didn’t talk to me.*
LIES! LIES! Mostly. And anyway, he started it.
*In fairness, I didn’t talk either
5. Once, while we were sleeping, Alexa became convinced that I was wearing a mask and begged me to take it off. I have never owned a mask.
6. When I met her, Alexa kept her clothes in one of the dryers in the basement of her apartment building. Once she ran downstairs to get a shirt out of the dryer, it had, apparently, with her other clothes, been there for days.
Not ALL of my clothes, you understand,
7. Alexa is terrified of Jack in the Boxes.
The plural is Jacks in the Box. And who wouldn’t be?
8. Alexa refuses to hold our cat Irma, because Irma drools when she’s happy. Thankfully, Alexa has no problem with holding Simone, whose drool is much more offensive than Irma’s.
Not true, exactly! Irma does not know how to purr with her mouth closed, is all, and yes, I used to push her off once she got going and the drool began to flow. But Simone has since inured me to such things.
9. Alexa’s favorite videogame is Athletic Land.
Well, OBVIOUSLY.
10. Alexa has a phobia of congealed food.
20 Comments
Wow. My husband and I had a very similar first-date-ignore-each-other, he’ll-never-call-me-again, WHATEVER! dynamic. Nine years and two kids later… So much for love at first sight.
I just have to say, I thought I was the one with a drooling cat. But that’s not the weirdest! My childhood cat would pant like a dog.
#1 cracks me up. My boyfriend is just as disturbed that I (the woman who insists he put spiders outside instead of squashing them) slammed a girl’s head into the bleachers in Junior High.
…all I can say is that she wouldn’t stop teasing me. And I warned her! Honest!
And can I confess I had to look up the spelling of the word “bleachers”? Guh. It’s been so long since Junior High…
–Katrina
hahahhaa this was excellent. and i love how 5 and 10 had no further comment :) love you guys.
Is it weird that I don’t think #5 is that weird? I have been struck before, in the middle of the night, that my husband will always be somewhat of a mystery to me.
congealed food is very frightening. It’s congealed for heaven’s sake!
I tried to trick my husband into pluralizing Jack in the Box to test his opinion without skewing my results by making him think too hard, and he went with 7 Jack in the Box RESTAURANTS. So formal, he. But I say Jacks in the Boxes. OK, not really. Maybe?
I don’t suppose, Scott, that you might have a covert video recording of Most Secret Ninja stowed away somewhere?
The first occasion I met John sticks in my mind, purely because I remember thinking I had never witnessed anyone so stereotypically and gloriously blind drunk before. He was carried outside onto the lawn (flailing happily) by a handful of friends, one of whom then proceeded to attempt to induce vomiting by putting a wooden spoon down his throat. I watched from the kitchen window in fascinated horror.
The second occasion, I sat next to him at a Christmas dinner; he was curt, vaguely condescending, and could be seen laughing heartily at my predicament when I was cornered determinedly by the party bore, who was interminably illustrating the timing and rotation of proper church bell peal-ringing, with the assistant of his dinner napkin.
The third occasion, he was sat next to me at a party, humming along to Tina Turner, and cheerfully informed his mate sat the far side of me that he didn’t need a friend, he just needed a lover.
Sigh.
It seems a certain web comic artist owes your friend sweet sweet royalties! This impostor is simply known as the Shirt Ninja, nothing so refined:
http://store.reallifecomics.com/cart.php?target=product&product_id=8
Clearly, Most Secret Ninja is to blame for pushing that girl down the stairs…
Very cute indeed!
My god we’re twins! The Jack in the Box is an evil toy, designed to terrify young children into compliance. And my cat does the same thing!!! We thought something was wrong with him, but apparently, it’s a thing…I had no idea. Thanks for clearing up that mystery.
I, too, fear the congealed food.
and jacks in the box. or jack in the boxes. either one.
Very good for a pinch hitter! Hm, Alexa, no congealed food? How do you avoid it?!
You didn’t state whether your fear of the Jack-in-the-Box is a fear of the toy or the “restaurant.” Because I think both are equally scary. Well, maybe the food one is more scary.
Is the plural really Jacks in the Box? As in several scary clowns in ONE box?
(shreks and runs away)
Jacks in the Box are bad. Very bad. Like a scary clown who jumps out from behind the couch when you’re walking into the living room with a cup of hot tea in your hands.
So, your cat is a mouth breather, huh?
7 and 8 here. I am also terrified of Jacks in the Box and we have a cat that drools also. A 3-legged one with no teeth, as a matter of fact. LOL
OH!! OH!! And congealed food, there truly is nothing more disgusting. Jello is made from animal bones, and that sight alone is enough to make me not eat for days.