What Brings You Here?
This past weekend I added Google Analytics to this site, and I must say the results have been fascinating. People find their way here through such an enchanting variety of search queries, but often they leave with their concerns unaddressed.
Well, no longer! I live to serve, you see.
can baby be a boy even after seeing labia in gender scan
Generally the presence of labia is a strong indicator that you are dealing with a female baby.
do male doctors ever get a hardon when he has to feel his patients hardon during a physical?
I think I need some more information, here. Why must he “feel his patient’s hardon” during a physical? Did he tell you that this is standard practice? My husband assures me it is not. Or are you the doctor in question? If so, I think you may have misunderstood some part of your training.
Either way, I think you ought to get yourself a good attorney.
exit hospital apocalypse weekend
Hmmm. Obviously you are a forward-thinking hospital administrator, and I admire your attention to detail and the thoroughness with which you draw up contingency plans. How WOULD one exit the hospital during the apocalypse, assuming, of course, that the apocalypse falls on a weekend?
fretting babies what to do when newborns aren’t happy
Drink heavily.
girls making organism pics
Are you looking for pictures of girls making organisms, or girls making pictures of organisms, drawing protozoa and such? I assume the latter, unless you are referring to female embryologists?
how to revirginize yourself in spirit
Oh, bless your heart.
how to sleep on your face
1. Lay on face
2. Keep still
3. Breathe deeply
i can see veins in my chest
I am terribly sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you might want to start putting your affairs in order.
i was born in a wagon of a travelling show, my mamma use to dance for the money they throw?
I think you may be a gypsy, a tramp, a thief, or quite possibly all three. Tell me about your father—did he preach and/or sell bottles of health tonic?
men who stare at women
That would be all of them. Take your pick.
molar pain in 10 year old
Please tell me this is a joke. I was led to believe that Satan’s Kernels will be fully emerged by age two.
sitting in wheelchair inflamed scrotom
Are you wearing briefs? Could you switch to boxers? What if you fashion a little scrotum rest out of gauze and some cooling salve?
sleeping the wrong way waking up with indent on face
I don’t think it is that you are sleeping the wrong way, exactly. It’s more likely to be the pile of bottle caps you’ve passed out upon.
tapered jeans out?
Yes. Decidedly.
the only thing that can make this day worst is while i am opening the front door, smoking and drink in hand, a baby pops out my mail order uterus.
Well. You have had quite a time of it, haven’t you?
what happens when a girl has an organism
Excellent question. It depends upon what type of organism she has. If it’s a tapeworm, it is likely that she won’t show any symptoms at all, though she may notice segments of the worm in her stool. Some parasites can cause B-12 deficiency and abdominal pain. Others, like a human fetus, cause nausea and a distended midsection.
she is fun
Good for you! Off you go, then.
56 Comments
Really? I Googled “Twin nuns and Sidecars.”
I never, ever comment on anyone’s blog b/c I’m a loser like that, but I just have to say you are the best damn writer ever. Thank you for all the laughs.
OMG, I think I just peed in my pants. Thank you sooooooo much for the belly laugh. You seriously are a great write and apparently a very witty person.
I’m seriously laughing so hard there are tears coming out of my eyes.
I’m so glad my husband is in bed, i would have had a hard time explaining the cackling laughter.
There are more molars after they turn two, they suck. Apparently there are more when they’re older too. Suck suck suck.
What they said. I am literally wiping away tears. Can not remember the alst time I laughed this much at something I read. Bless your heart.
I was laughing so hard I had to stop and tell my husband what all the fuss was about. Thanks for that!
PMSL. Literally.
Well hell. I don’t get searches like this. Methinks I need to write gooder…LOL! Dang, these are good! :)
Oh, my lord. These were so funny I had to read them aloud to my husband, just so that he wouldn’t think I was crazy for laughing so loudly!
awesome. bravo!
OMG, I’m dying laughing here at work and trying to be all discreet about it. You crack me up Alexa. I think you should start an advice column. Or at least a “Google Search Reply” column.
Seriously, what is up with girls and their organisms?? ROFLMAO
OMFG. Hilarious.
I laughed so hard I cried. In fact I’m still making faint whooping sounds. Mail order uterus! New band name, for sure.
Oh, I have a whole page devoted to my complicated relationship with google and why it deems me the best person to inform on stillettos in urethras, anal intercourse, elephant willies, the medically impossible penis IN uterus (something I deem greedy, really), what to do in bed to GET pregnant (hint, sex, in the correct orifice, ejaculation and don’t be infertile) and so on
:)
http://missionimpossibleinfertile.wordpress.com/bad-google/
It never ceases to amaze me!
g
Thank you for clearing up these and other very pertinent, pressing and perplexing questions.
Sorry to tell you but I had a very high fever (gave me hallucinations) when I was 18 due to wisdom teeth erupting…one corner at a time for each tooth. The damn teeth used to prefer to wriggle out on Fridays, thus leeving me in bed with fever and headache and not out partying with my classmates. My mother found it funny, that she had a “teething baby”, I didn’t quite find is as funny as she did…
What do you know, I come here for the spirit-revirginizing too!
And it works, every time.
My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Love it.
Those organisms….oh those wonderful organisms!!!! Every girl should have them!!
LMAO…thanks Alexa!!
Thank you for the laughs this morning – so glad I wasn’t drinking anything!!!
Revirginize in spirit! How lovely!
I completely control the Google market on hairy porn – it all comes to me! The worrying part is: as far as I can make out, some of it stays to actually READ…
Consequently, if it were possible to perform an analysis of the sexual predilections of my readership, I feel there would be a distinctly anomalous statistical leaning towards a liking for 1970s-style pubes.
I’m not sure how I feel about this!
OMG – how to sleep on your face? Seriously? This is hilarious!!
I am sitting here at my desk laughing out loud, hoping no one questions me about it! Thanks for the pick-me-up. (It was almost as refreshing as an organism!)
OMG – so funny! Thanks for the laughs :)
I think I just had an organism from laughing so hard. Thanks for making my day with these.
Perhaps the inflamed scrotum needs to be introduced to one of the organisms? Might kill two birds with one stone. Thanks for making me spit coffee at my screen.
OMG. One of your best blogs ever. I’ve got tears rolling down my face, I nearly peed at several points, and I *was* having a pretty crap morning. Thank you SO much. You rock.
This had me in tears. I haven’t laughed so hard in a LONG time.
Also, I totally understand where you’re coming from. Tell me how someone found my blog by searching “ejacfacial.” Seriously. Someone please tell me…
I know you have worked harder on other posts–but this is THE ONE. Peeing, crying, wheezing.
I just did a post like this too, but yours is much, much, MUCH funnier.
Thank you for making me execute a (quite futile) attempt to stifle laughter and tears here at work.
OMG I died. I was honking and snorting and wheezing and snuffling and it all was partially muffled so as not to wake the baby… this is seriously your best post ever. HI-fucking-LARIOUS
Bless. Thank you. I laughed so hard I cried.
However … there are, I’m afraid, a nasty set of things called the 6 year-old molars, and then the 12-year-old molars. And *then* the wisdom teeth. Good luck with all that.
Truly one of the funniest posts I have ever read. If you don’t win some sort of faux-online-community award for this one, I may have a baby pop out of my mail-order uterus.
This has been so enlightening. You don’t know anything about “blue waffle infection” do you? People are ALWAYS asking.
Oh my gosh! Long time lurker, pulled out of the shadows by this hilarious post. Tear are streaming on to my poor, wet baby. Thank you.
laughter is almost as good as a organism. Thanks for the faux organism.
My husband and I are laughing out loud, somewhat hysterically as we read through this. Thanks!
So funny! I actually read this outloud to my husband and we were boh hysterical!
So funny!!
Pretty cool post. I just came across your site and wanted to say
that I have really enjoyed reading your posts. Anyway
I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!
You are hilarious! Thank you for this great post!
God, this gave me the giggles bigtime. My husband thought I was nuts. I like it when he thinks that, it keeps him tame. Thanks!
it’s funny because i AM a female embryologist.
Best search terms to bring someone to my blog: “I peed” “my pants”. The savvy use of quotation marks to limit returns coupled with the predicament…priceless.
I have a policy of only drunkmenting so forgive if youv’e heard this one before. I share Simone’s name (obv’s) and b-day. I take the first month and day as being way more important than the year. I was born early and sickly. I like to wear that badge with pride along with mastery of knot tying, assisting my elders (I wasn’t a good Brownie, I was the best), having a B.S., B.A., and you will love this…a minor in German). I’ve gone on but it’s not about this Simone. I only tell you this because as a Simone afflicted with crippling Rutilism, I overcame many issues and some that in the 1970’s were thought of as quirks. I did not speak until I was three years old and prior to that I was only calm when sleeping in the sound proof confines of a dresser drawer. I was labeled a biter..no not bitter, artistically & verbally gifted, sensitive and above all complicated. I didn’t give up that easy, my poor, poor parents. I could not imagine another Mother other than my own who could be more equipped (despite your doubts) to foster such an amazing little girl and I can not imagine who she may become having been nurtured and guided by you. I deeply admire and am inspired by you on a daily basis. Well, at least I am when you post. :) She will redefine our shared name and make it mean more to me and everyone that knows her by doing and becoming things I have never yet dreamt. I know you already know this but I wanted to say that I do as well. Who you are as a person and a parent is a gift to her and to me as a reader and I thank you.
Hee hee hee hee. My guy needs to hurry up and give me an organism, just as soon as I can take off these tapered jeans.
This may be the funniest post I have EVER read. Still not breathing properly after laughing so hard. Now must go explain weird cackling noises to co-workers…
Love this post!
Wow. And all my google analytics revealed was someone’s search for a “thickening middle finger.” Yours are so varied and poetic!
The world is way weirder than I previously imagined.
Oh, I just hang my head in sorrow thinking of all those poor frustrated souls searching the Internet in vain, never finding the info they desire because they have no bloody idea how to spell!! ;-)
Thank YOU for the eye-watering laughs your entry gave me. Too funny! I needed a good laugh.
I have tears streaming down my face! You are very funny.
Oh, my Alexa. I read your blog religiously and just adore your writing, truly, but I seriously can not remember when I laughed harder reading anything! Thank you for the laughs and best of luck with your book!
oh my god, I love this.
I am dying…laughing…at this entry. I just woke my baby up laughing,,,and my husband too, It is 2 a,m,
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[...] born in a wagon of a travelling show, my mamma use to dance for the money they throw? We covered this precise query last week, and that is an awful lot of gypsies, tramps, etc. looking at Simone’s pictures. It makes me [...]