“My Rat Terrier is Fat”

In what may become a weekly feature, lethargy permitting, I have once again gathered my tracking data to see what sometimes-literally-burning questions have brought visitors to my humble website. Having, for the first time, a full seven days worth of results, I was able to see some patterns emerging.

For instance, In the past week, 11 people have found their way here by googling i was born in a wagon of a travelling show, my mamma use to dance for the money they throw? We covered this precise query last week, and that is an awful lot of gypsies, tramps, etc. looking at Simone’s pictures. It makes me uncomfortable. STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY, GYPSIES!

Also puzzling is the popularity of the joy of sex game. Six people were clamoring for information on the topic, and to my horror, I have discovered that there is some sort of video game by that title. I can only hope it does not feature the same hirsute hippie couple as the print edition. I am not inclined to find out for myself.

Questions about sleeping on your face continue to plague people, but I feel we covered those adequately last time.

Rather touchingly, both first thing to know about babies and everything to know about babies showed up in the data. This smacks of one of those “I didn’t know I was pregnant and now I’m crowning!” situations I’m always hearing about on the news, and the poor girl is obviously trying to make up for lost time. Either that, or the Googler is the parent of a preemie about to be discharged, and has just realized that she spent so much time hedging her bets and reading about brain bleeds that she forgot to learn a single damn thing about caring for an infant. Ahem.

Now, let’s get started:

guilty feet have got no rhythm
Three of you found your way here via this phrase, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are never going to dance again. At least not the way you danced previously. But frankly, you should have known better than to cheat—and a friend, at that—so I have limited sympathy for you.

does a baby with hearing loss google and coo
Hearing loss shouldn’t affect baby’s typing skills. I can’t speak to the cooing.

do male doctors enjoy seeing nude female patients
It depends.

doctor doctor can’t you see i’m burning
This is a medical emergency, and yes, ANY COMPETENT DOCTOR should be able to see that you’re burning, if in fact you are. However, you should be prepared for the possibility that it is merely the emotion of love that you are feeling—or, if the burning comes when you urinate, its after effects.

drink girls organism
I cannot advise this. Parasitic infections are nothing to be trifled with, and if my recent Google Analytics are to be believed, infections like these are on the rise, particularly in the female population.

enema play toy
No, no, no. Read the box again.

face in literature
The face has a long and colorful history in literature. There’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Man Without a Face, and in fact, I am hard pressed to think of any significant literary work in which at least one face does not appear. If this is an idea for a thesis topic, I suggest you narrow your focus.

fall-a-thon try not to laugh
Oh, I hear you. It’s hard. My advice is to stop trying altogether—just let it out. My god, what do they expect us to do at a fall-a-thon? We’re not robots.

forcibly depilated
The important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault. You weren’t “asking for it,” no matter HOW hairy you might have been. Try to enjoy your newly smooth skin, and invest in some pepper spray.

girdle feeling
Pinchy? Breathless? Nauseated? This is all normal, if, as I assume, you are wearing a girdle. If you are having this “girdle feeling” in the absence of a corporeal girdle, you should call your doctor.

girdle secret
Do tell!

girl has organism
Well whatever you do, don’t drink it.

hand crank to call flipper
Dangling a fish while making a high-pitched clicking noise is just as effective as any mechanical device I have seen.

happy happy happy happy happy happy happy. i’m so happy today.
Not that I am not pleased for you, but if you’re so very happy, what are you searching for?

hokey pokey with mom
Just play the way you’d play with anyone else—right foot in, left foot in, etc. Mothers are people too!

how to give brazilian wax to spouse
Wait a minute. Are you, perchance, married to Ms. forcibly depilated?

i came back, i came back… and i’m glad i did
Me too.

infant swim bleach germ health
Infants should never be allowed to swim in bleach. You are correct in surmising that this would kill germs, but most pediatricians now agree that the adverse effects on baby’s delicate tissues of a bleach paddle pool outweigh any health benefits.

is it time to go home yet
No.

is it time to go home yet?
Still no, even with the added question mark.

my nephew got the golden ticket!
Congratulations! Look, it’s none of my business, but you might want to check in on your parents more often. They seem to spend all of their time in bed, and should at least be turned once in a while, to prevent sores.

pregnant assholes
I think what you are describing is in fact known as a “hemorrhoid.”

pudgy fucking
This really shouldn’t be any different than the slender variety. Maybe a little more chafing.

quiet child stims
I know where you’re going with this. Unfortunately, my reproductive endocrinologist tells me that there is no one variety of gonadotropin more likely to produce a quiet child.

teething, molar, hell
Yes. I’m sorry.

what does it mean if you sleep on your side with your hands by your face
You are probably tired. And afraid of bats.

what happens when a girl has her organism
By “has her organism,” I assume you mean “gives birth.” Are you the father of the organism in question? If so, I’d start referring to it as a “baby” instead of an “organism.” Referring to her child in such a clinical manner can be off-putting to your partner, and women harboring organisms are notoriously emotional, and dangerous when provoked. When the “baby” arrives, you’ll also want to substitute the phrase “sensuous, life-giving breasts” for “grossly engorged and lactating mammaries.”

At any rate, after having her organism, the girl will deliver the placenta, which is an organ that provides food and oxygen to the developing organism through the umbilical cord. After the placenta has been delivered, the uterus will shrink back to its customary size, though the organism will continue to grow for a period of about 20 years.

what should you feel 8dp3dt
Terrified, alternately hopeful and despairing, bloated.

words: pollyanna,sisterhood and freespirit
I do not know you, but I do not think I’d like you.

www.pictures of icecreem and juse
This is just a shot in the dark, but have you recently started a diet?

what happens when you sleep
Very little. Unless your husband is the one Googling how to give brazilian wax to spouse

Other queries I did not have time to address include (but are not limited to!):
male celebrities in tapered jeans, blue girdles, public bralessness pics, vaginal pelt, granny speculum, scary mouse maneuver, flickr pee skirt, rug hooking in a small apartment