Alexa: A Field Guide.

BlogHer is in two days, and I am in my customary pre-travel frenzy, during which my mind buzzes with such unholy ferocity that it eventually overheats and shuts down altogether. I keep thinking I will outgrow this eventually, but like my fear of Jacks-in-the-Box and tendency to be plunged into depressed and embarrassed ennui at the sight of a clown, my compulsion to make unnecessarily overwhelming to-do-lists before even the briefest of trips lingers. The only way to foil this compulsion is to travel spontaneously—as with my recent sojourn in Iowa—but that is rarely feasible.

I’ve gotten off topic. The point is that I will be in Chicago beginning on Thursday, roaming wild and free, and because I have been wondering how to approach bloggers I recognize but do not, in the strictest sense, know, I thought I would give you some tips so that you will not be shy about accosting me.

#1 DON’T BE AFRAID:
I promise, Alexa is more frightened of you than you are of her. She is easily recognized by her wild, anxious eyes and unkempt hair. She will probably be fiddling with something—her phone, her necklace, her hair, her ears, her earring, her handbag, the frond of a nearby fern. It is common knowledge that, like a shark or the bus in Speed, Alexa’s hands must keep moving. Otherwise they will rapidly decay, eventually sloughing off entirely, leaving her to worry at her jewelry with frayed stumps.

{fig. 1: Large, nervously roving eyes enable Alexa to evaluate imaginary threats.}

#2 DRAW HER OUT:
If you have spotted Alexa lurking nervously in a corner or bathroom stall, try dribbling a bit of sidecar on the ground as you back away from her location. This will often be enough to encourage her to emerge. If you suspect Alexa is nearby but cannot see her, the sound of a cocktail shaker will usually cause her to appear, or at least to emit her characteristic high trilling sound, alerting you to her hiding spot.

{fig. 2: Crouching/hidden Alexa}

#3 IDENTIFY HER MOODS:

{fig. 3: Alexa would like one of those french fries you are holding}

{fig. 4: You have provoked Alexa into attack! Flee! Flee!}

#4 SEIZE THE DAY:

I am told that everyone at BlogHer feels slightly frumpy and socially awkward and damp with nerves, and Alexa is no exception. Probably when you meet her she’ll be cursing her uncomfortable yet ineffective shapewear and wondering what she should do next, and whether she’ll photograph poorly doing it. But she’s not going to let this stop her from awkwardly hugging near strangers, or playfully slapping the hindquarters of women whose words she’s been reading for years. Neither should you.