Tomorrow, and possibly Friday, I will be interviewing nannies. To say that I am dreading this task would be something of an understatement. It combines so many hated elements: 1) interaction with strangers, 2) people in my home, 3) necessity of real pants, and 4) talking about money.
Worse, I am charged with the responsibility of finding a caregiver for my beloved daughter, a caregiver who will be amusing and affectionate enough to mitigate any abandonment issues, but not so amusing and affectionate that Simone comes to prefer her over me. And yes, as that last ridiculous statement suggests, I am deeply conflicted about outsourcing the majority of my baby’s daytime care. I never thought I would be so clingy as a parent, but leaving your newborn in the NICU every night for three and a half months gives you a bit of a complex about these things (which is probably how we ended up co-sleeping, but that’s a discussion for another time).
Because I don’t do well with unscripted conversation, I have developed a simple multiple choice test in lieu of a more traditional interview. Please feel free to reproduce this test for your own use in screening potential childcare providers.
1) Have you ever smothered an infant?
a) Yes
b) No
2) Complete this sentence: “I like to play…”
a) “…with blocks.”
b) “…the xylophone.”
c) “…Doctor.”
3) Children should be spanked:
a) Never!
b) Rarely, and then only with a young green branch.
c) At random, to teach them a valuable lesson about the capricious nature of fate.
4) In my free time, I like to:
a) Binge drink
b) Knit
c) Cry
5) “Never take candy from…”
a) Strangers
b) Babies
c) Strange babies
d) All of the above
6) I am available during the day because:
a) I am a professional nanny
b) I am a recently graduated English major
c) My Masters program offers evening classes
d) I only turn tricks at night
7) A cluttered apartment is:
a) Exciting and full of whimsy
b) No place for children, which is why I’ve brought this toddler-sized duffel bag
c) A welcome outlet for my obsessive need to clean
d) Something for which I will silently judge you
8) True or False: You can read.
a) True
b) Apple
9) Infanticide is:
a) The assassination or murder of the daughter of the king of Spain
b) Hard to prove, if you do it right
c) Deplorable
10) Nanny is to Child as:
a) Warden is to Prisoner
b) Hammer is to Nail
c) Bear is to Salmon
d) MOTHER is to HER OWN TRUE BABY FOR EVER AND EVER
e) Robot-Nanny is to Robot-Child
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, I cannot stop laughing at this! I think my favorite was #8… so nonsensical that I can’t stop giggling.
Good luck in the nanny search!
yep #8 is my favorite too!
Apple
You are the best. Good luck, I would be awful at this.
I’ve said it before…you are simply too funny.
Number 8 is the best, by far. Though I did keep trying to figure out what cool computers had to do with litteracy.
Good luck.
As funny as number 8 is, I’m going with number 7, just because I really really like it!
(Also because it is actually my real number one most paranoid thought about nannies.)
Seriously, good luck with all this….if you have any questions, drop me a quick email.
Be it known that for question 4, I answer all of the above.
This is very funny, Alexa and I am enjoying a good giggle. In all seriousness, though, as a working (outside the home) mom who has employed four nannies in six years, I can assure you unequivocally that no matter how great the care provider, Simone will never prefer her over you. Not ever. You are her one and only Mommy and she knows it. Trust me on this. Worry about criminal background checks and Simone getting addicted to General Hospital but do not worry about her loving someone else more than you.
True and Apple make me heart you just that much more. :-)
I took the test, now how do I score it and which page do I turn to in order to figure out which Celeb I’m destined to be with?
Apple! Brilliance.
I’m so sorry I’m laughing! I can’t imagine what a difficult decision and process this will be. Best of luck to you!
funny. are you interviewing mannies as well?
also ask: “if you knew there was a nanny-cam in the bathroom/ kitchen/ nursery, what would you NOT do? please answer in a short sentence.”
Also, make sure they don’t look like Rebecca DeMornay. The last thing you need is some Hand That Rocks the Cradle nutso.
Oh, Alexa. I laughed so hard I cried. Especially at the “True or False: You can read.”
For the record, my answer is “apple”.
You’re funny. But I’m guessing you already knew that.
Email me if you want a highly qualified, highly recommended, wonderful nanny I know. Who, I might add, is only out of work becuase the youngest of the boys she nannied is now starting school, and, well, that puts her out of work.
She really is great.
And she can read.
That “infanta” joke was pretty brilliant. Can’t wait to read your book.
Awesome. This is really going to come in handy.
I’d probably fail that one. Luckily, I am not a nanny. Just a parent :)
g
Good Luck!!
I, too, love #8. Very clever. You are a very smart woman you will make the right choice, no worries!
So, so funny. We too have employed several nannies and for us finding the right one has always been like fate – you JUST KNOW when you’ve met her. Still, a query about literacy can never hurt. Grannysmith, by my vote.
p.s. please let your faithful readers know your book news as soon as possible…
#8 made me snort
I’m with Jessica- #9 was both dark and punny- just the way I like it!
Oh, this is sublime. I love it.
You are one funny girl Alexa! How is it that your book is not published yet? If I were a publisher; it would have been published the day it came out!!!! You will be top ten best selling authors one day soon! Good Luck and keep us laughing!!!
This truly sounds like a ring of hell. But you will share with us pictures and hidden video, right? So we can sympathize with your pain and all that? (blows coffee out nose)
It’s so hard to find the right caregiver for your baby. And it doesn’t get much easier when they are toddlers either. We’re thinking of switching our 2.5 year old from his part-time, in-home family daycare that we mostly love, to a more pre-school type setting, and I am a nervous wreck about it. It’s pretty amazing how many faults I can find with every place considering that my main stimulating activity for him right now is putting in the movie Cars and giving him a bowl of Cheerios…to be fair I just had another baby, but still. Pretty much anything has to be better for his development than that! Good luck with the nanny search.
re: #8…..our next door neighbors are self managed mother/daughter prostitutes (for reals) and the mother offered to babysit my 6 month old during the day….I had to decline…she’s a smoker. ;)
Was that a helpful story? Maybe not….
whoops I meant re: #6.
Don’t forget to ask him/her if it’s okay that you exploit- I mean document- their time as your nanny on your blog. Even better, don’t! Let the hilarity insue!
11. If the baby is fussy and unable to sleep you would soothe her with:
a) A spoonful of Nyquil
b) Vulcan Nerve Pinch (totsu’k'hy)
c) Milk suckled from your own breast
d) None of the above
I do not envy you. But glad to see via twitter that you may have found your man(woman). I managed to land a great nanny:
http://bigpreg.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/nanny-2-0/
And now I have to supplement with a day care or something since Nanny is a student. And I have to CALL them and stuff. And ask QUESTIONS. And make DECISIONS. Those are almost worse than the money, which we might not actually even have…
Ugh. Robbie started daycare yesterday and I’m a mess.
Yesterday, he was great. GREAT! Settled in nicely, played, had a great time. When I went to get him, he barely gave me a glance.
I was sad. He didn’t miss me.
Today…. he cried as soon as I put him down. Then the worst- I got a call in the middle of the day that he wouldn’t stop crying. They wondered if he could be in pain. And i couldn’t just go FIX IT.
Yeah… he just misses me. I got my wish. I’m a swell mom.
Oh axelA nosnevetS, i love reedin’ yer rittin’
Hire Ashley!
“Apple”!!!!! Haha! :)
Well, unfortunately I have to disagree with Katie above! My 2nd and 3rd have both gone through stages where they *cried* when I came home because the nanny has to leave (the oldest was older when we hired her, so I never had to deal with that from her.) I work from 6am to noon, so she isn’t there all that long – and maybe that has something to do with it. Our nanny has been with us for 7 1/2 years and she is wonderful. Chip wants her to stay all the time because she plays with him – she doesn’t have laundry to do, floors to vacuum, errands to run, books to read :), etc. She is devoted to his every need. Who wouldn’t like that?
Anyways, I try not to let it bother me. I know my kids love me and they know I love them. The nanny is their best friend and that is fine and an extra person in their life who loves them is a good thing.
1. b
2. a
3. c
4. All three simultaneously
5. a & b (c is okay, they’re strange, obviously they don’t deserve candy until they learn to assimilate with normals)
6. b (which means you only have to pay .05 more than McDonalds to hire me)
7. Both true AND apple
9. c
10. all of the above, depending how strange the baby is.
CAN I PLZ BE UR NANNY!~?
I love you. Please, please, please don’t become one of those few bloggers I put on my favorites list and look forward to new updates from and like knowing how their kid is doing and then they’re all “I need to focus on my stupid family” and they quit blogging. (Yes, I’m talking to you, LookyDaddy). Swear to me that we will always come before Simone. Swear it!
Ugh! Good luck with the nanny search, a huge task, indeed, as it is my opinion that there isn’t anyone good enough to look after Simone in your absence! In keeping with my general distrust of humankind, I’d have cameras installed in every room of the house. LOL
I read this post when it was originally posted and it still makes me laugh if I even think about it. So clever, truly. I recently discovered your blog and I love it. Thanks for brightening my day.
I left the nanny picking up to my husband…I spent two sleepless nights having a nervous breakdown when we were interviewing her…
One applicant…one Nanny…we got very lucky, I think…
I know this is way late, but I just found your blog and I’m a bit of an archive-reading-addict. (I’m a Virgo. We’re completists.)
Anyhow, I *am* a professional nanny and weirdly enough just wrote a whole series in my own blog about nanny interviews. These are pretty good questions and my answers would be: B, A, B, B, D, D, C (and also D), B, A, E