Star Signs.
Do you know what you should do, if you need amusing? Read your baby’s horoscope. I don’t know why this is funny, but trust me, it is. Last weekend, Simone’s forecast said:
“Experiment with unusual activities and different types of entertainment, especially if your life feels out of your control. It’s all about recapturing that sense of individuality. Granted, you can’t change certain things, so figure out what those are and don’t give them a second thought. Open your eyes a little wider — expose yourself to new ways of doing things. You’ll find inspiration in the most unlikely places.”
Could that be any more appropriate for a 20-month old? A 20-month old who recently found her unlikely inspiration in an empty yogurt container and a drumstick?
Simone had begun refusing to wear her glasses, and so I made her an ophthalmology appointment, certain that her refusal was due to a change in her prescription. But no! It turns out her refusal was simply “developmental,” which is code for “brattiness-related.” We had to smear atropine ointment into her eyes for a week, but she’s grudgingly wearing them again.
Scott has come over all sentimental about how quickly Simone is growing up. The two of them are just besotted with each other. Every night Scott creeps into the bedroom where Simone is sleeping, and moons over her. “Look at that nice baby,” he says, moonily. The other day I spanned her thigh with my hand and realized that it is now bigger around than her whole body was at birth. She’ll be two soon, something I try not to think about, not only because it seems impossible that she’ll be so big so quickly, but also because her birthday falls the week before my deadline, and if her birthday’s coming up, that means…oh god.
Speaking of birthdays, mine is a week from this coming Saturday, and I will be 30. I’m quite looking forward to it. As I told someone the other day, I feel like my age is finally catching up to me. I feel thirty. It was lonely, being an elderly 18-year-old, but at last I’m in the proper company.
It’s odd though, as while I don’t feel young, I don’t feel particularly grown-up, either. Basically, I feel old yet irresponsible and ultimately unequipped for adult life. And yet here I am, entrusted with a nearly two-year-old child and a needy, helpless deadline. I wonder whether people ever really feel like adults, or whether their understanding of compound interest and property taxes is just a front, and inside they’re the same silly people they’ve always been.
35 Comments
I never suspected grown up life would be like this. All the adults in my life always seemed like they knew what they were doing when I was little. Which means they were faking it. So now I wonder, crap, am I faking it well enough for my kid? Maybe I should buy a briefcase or something…
Hey – we have the same birthday. Well, the same day of the month, I’m 10 years older than you. Not so sure why I think that’s so cool… :-)
I pretend every day that I am a grown up who knows what I am doing.
I always had that “faking it” feeling; I felt like there was an element of playing dress up when I would go to work; and at meetings, I felt more like it was putting on a show than actual work. And when I became the boss, I was shocked that I still felt like I was playing at being an adult. But, sadly, now I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s not that I suddenly feel hyper competent; I just have lost that puppy dog approach to life; I’m just an old dog, in search of her inner puppy.
I never, ever feel like a real grown-up, and I just turned 41. The times when I feel closest to being grown up is when I have ice cream for dinner. That’s what I dreamed of as a kid: “When I grow up, I’ll eat ice cream for dinner!”
One birthday morning when I was in my 20s and my Grandma was in her 80s, she asked how I felt to be whatever age it was, and I told her that I didn’t feel any different than ever. She said, “Neither do I, dear,” and my head almost exploded. I’m never going to “feel” grown up?
I still don’t feel my age, no matter how old my child gets. I sort of figure that is a good thing. I still laugh and have fun, and there are plenty of people younger than me who don’t do that.
However, at 18, I felt too old to be just 18, so who knows where things will be when I turn 40. Maybe like a preschooler.
I felt the same way about turning 30! Relieved, finally at the age I’ve always been, etc. And the same way about being an adult. I’m so glad I’m not the only one. And Simone is almost two?! Say it isn’t so! How did that HAPPEN?
I definitely feel like a grown-up. Go teach high school or college students, Alexa. You will too.
It’s funny – I’m not sure I’ll ever feel my age. We had dinner with a young newlywed couple the other night, and my husband commented on the way home that they reminded him of us at that age, wanting to befriend and hang out with interesting older couples. I was mystified, until I realized that he meant that WE are the interesting older couple! I had spent the entire evening thinking of them as my age, not young enough to be my children! Maybe it’s having a baby at nearly 40 – I just don’t feel anywhere near middle age, yet I’m headed there pretty swiftly. I wonder if I’ll still feel like this at 90 – like a 20-year-old in grownup’s clothing?
I left the house today wearing two different shoes (swear to god – it took me waaay to long to figure it out) so my sense of maturity/having my shit together took a major hit. I don’t know if I ever feel like I’m “there” – I have all the things I’m supposed to have at this age, I’ve done most of the things I’m supposed to have done at this age, I’m pretty responsible, and some days I still feel as clueless as I did when I was a teenager. But I have slightly better hair now, and more debt.
At 35, I’m the same silly person I’ve always been. I need to work on my acting skills – I think many are seeing through my ruse!
I’m 44, and I still think I am going to get busted every time I walk into the liquor aisle at the grocery store. I have to remind myself I am more than twice the legal drinking age, surely I should be able to buy a bottle of sherry without looking over my shoulder guiltily?
Then they DON’T ask me for ID, and I get pissed.
Hey Happy Birthday, and that is ONE ADORABLE BABY!
Happy birthday! 30 is a great age, when you have the experience to do what you want to do, and still have the luxury of plenty of time to do it in. Enjoy every minute.
I know the feeling of being unequipped for adult life. I turned thirty in march and didn’t feel different at all. Still don’t. Actually, I keep feeling I’m about 27, and the weird thing is, for my whole life I felt older than my real age and people thought I was (were? Deutsch ist meine Muttersprache) older, too. For quite a while now, people have been telling my they thought I were younger. Maybe 27 is something like my eternal age? Or we all just remain basically the same person after puberty, just the outside gets older. Thing is, I was always looking forward to the day when I would have everything figured out, at least somewhat. Ain’t gonna happen, I fear now. I’ll never learn the secret handshake to gain access to the adult-only clubhouse – cause there is none.
Wait, Simone is almost two?! I’ve been reading you for over three years then! Time sure does fly. And let me tell you, your blog is one of my favourite places on the net. Don’t lose faith in yourself, you will finish your book, and it will come out way better than you fear now. YOU CAN DO IT!
I still feel like I’m faking it, and I’m quite a bit older than you.
I think many of us feel like we’re faking it… I spent so many years getting used to being someone’s wife, someone’s mother. Now my eldest child is a senior in high school. Soon I will just be me again, and it will actually be shocking to lose all those labels. I work with young people, and every once in awhile I’m shocked to realize how “old” they think I am. Inside, I think I am in my late twenties.
My mother says that she feels exactly like she did at 14. Which has been freaking me out since I was 14.
So far, it’s pretty true, though. I’m 24 now and working on “being a grownup”. Nice to know it really is all one big act. ;)
I, too, have always felt like an old person in a younger person’s body. 30 has been a milestone that I believe I’ve been ready for for the last…ten years. I only have 3 more years to reach it. Let us know how it treats you, and I wish you lots of luck with the writing. Your fans (because that’s what we are! Fans of you and your writing!) know that you are amazing, and we’re cheering you on from behind our screens.
I think you hit the nail on the head about not feeling old inside. I’m closing in on 40, but I feel like the same old person I was as a teenager. I guess the difference is that the things I’ve learned along the way help me to navigate the world better, and yes, make me capable of parenting two children. But I still sit and wonder sometimes how it is that it’s been 20 years since I graduated from high school.
I think that the only people who ever REALLY feel like adults are the ones who were never silly children to begin with.
And even then, I think there’s an awful lot of faking it involved.
well damn. i thought everyone else had it figured out and knew when i would finally FEEL like an adult.
I just turned 31 last week, and was commenting to my dad on how I was finally accepting the fact that I was always going to feel like a kid, and that it amazes me when people actually take me seriously. He replied, “I feel exactly the same way.” He’s 63.
Let’s hear it for eternal youth!
I just turned thirty. It didn’t hurt! It is absolute craziness how in the last two years I’ve gone from basically being an overgrown kid to being a married, pregnant homeowner. It’s like I blinked and BAM! Can’t say I’m not absolutely thrilled with how things have turned out though :)
I’m 36 and yes it is a front.
Huh. I’m 42 and I feel like I’m 55. But that might just be because of my 1 year and 4 year old kicking my butt every day.
And that deadline… is it making you feel nauseous yet? That’s how you know you are really for real a real writer. Nausea. I suggest you just write the crappiest stuff you can – just throw a lot of words at the paper or rather computer screen. You’ll be stunned when you read it a couple days later. It will be shockingly good. I just promise you. Or maybe I’m just saying this because I desperately want to read your book and I won’t be able to if you don’t write it.
“Look at that nice baby” indeed. Such a touching image!
I laughed so hard at that horoscope — I bet it was written by someone who was babysitting a toddler. And I laughed even harder at the word “brattiness-related,” which I see myself using often in the coming years…
And yes, for the longest time, I felt, too, that I was older than I was. Now I just feel old.
Thirty is the new twenty though, right?
Tht’s what I told myself when I crossed that particular milestone.
I’m waiting for a trendy way of making forty sound better, though.
g
I’m 28 and still think I’m 15. It’s really weird to me when I realize that actual teenagers look at me and think I am just someone’s mom, another boring grown up.
Ha! I just checked both of my girls’ horoscopes and it’s brilliant. For my irreverent 18-month-old:
Your way of seeing the world is as free and independent as your spirit today, and you really need to make sure that you keep talking despite opposition. People can see how right you are.
I suspect she read this actually.
I always think – You are grown up when you are there is no-one else to clean up the puke.
Wow… ok, I do feel like a grownup these days, but that’s probably because I can successfully manipulate my three-year-old into doing the right thing half the time.
I’m 37. In my twenties I was a teenager, trying to define myself and hang out with people my age. In my teens I was determined to never be a teenager and tried to be a grownup. I have come to so many realizations about not being able to follow every glancing thought about Exciting New Direction I Should Take My Life!! So yes, I feel older.
But at the same time, I’ve never expected I’d feel Like A Grownup, i.e. competent with makeup and briefcases. My own parents are geeks that don’t blend in and can’t fake it, so I never expected to turn into some magical grownup :)
Years ago, at my grandfather’s 80th birthday party, he said, “I never thought I would be sitting here, 80 years old, and still feel so much like ME on the inside.”
Deb
I have 5 years on you and have a three year old daughter and I still don’t completely feel like a grownup…still feel like I’m in my 20′s. I always assume that everyone is older than me and then I remember…Oh no, I’m 35!! How’d that happen?? My husband just turned 38 and feels the same way so I guess it’s normal?
Well, sharing the same view as most of your other noters, I’m going to be 35 in December and still when someone tells me how old they are and they’re in their 30′s I think ‘Man, you’re old and boring’. Then I remember that so am I. I’ve got to say, it’s always a shock.
Your baby is adorable by the way.
Kiss kiss. Keep well, fellow 30-something teenager.