Patience is a Virtue, One that Would be Easier to Sustain if it Were Possible to Get Out of the Pediatrician’s Office in Less Than Two Hours.
I think it goes without saying that I would never hit my child.
BUT.
If I WERE going to hit her—which of course I am not, would never—it would almost certainly be while we were visiting her doctor. You might think this is because I figure I should at least make sure she’ll receive prompt medical attention, but no.
It wouldn’t be while we were in the waiting room, and she is racing around asking complete strangers to pick her up and then shrieking and going boneless when I—for the record, her mother—try to do so (in order to spare the copy of TIME she has set her sights upon, though I empathize with her desire to rend the face of Glenn Beck). It wouldn’t be when I am shambling helplessly after her down the hall, in order to drag her back to the circle of chairs, or when we are in the exam room with the nurse, or after that, waiting for the medical student, even though during this time Simone will be removing her diaper again and again, and I will find myself wondering whether said medical student could perform an ad hoc tubal ligation (according to a new study, us infertility patients are at increased risk of unplanned pregnancy, as we are less likely than the general population to use contraception. Yes, REALLY. Thank you, Science!)
No, it would probably be after the medical student had gone and we are waiting for the doctor, just into hour two of the visit. Sometime after my empty stomach has begun to produce acid in such alarming quantities that I am forced to surreptitiously remove my bra to relieve my heartburn, after I have found a small container of Cheddar Bunnies in my purse only to discover that they are revoltingly stale. Not that this will prevent me from eating them. By the time I finally begin to lose my patience, to compose slightly hysterical emails to my husband about how NEXT TIME HE IS TAKING THE BABY TO HER APPOINTMENT, SO HELP ME GOD, the scene might look something like this:
Here you can see that she has both removed her glasses and unfastened her diaper, each for the 8,907,543rd time. She’s just finished rummaging through my purse and pushing the rolling stool against the door, and she’s seconds from picking up her coat and swinging it around as her diaper falls the rest of the way off, while I lunge for it, hoping she won’t choose that moment to pee.
But in reality, though I may be brusque as I cover her tiny ass yet again, I won’t lose my cool. No hitting, not even a tiny thwap. I try hard to be a good mother, a patient and loving mother, even when I feel like a frazzled caricature. However, I can’t promise that my post shot sympathy won’t be a tad less effusive than usual.
50 Comments
Why. Are they making you. Wait an hour. There’s the rub!
Fuck it. Let her pee on their floor. Let them clean it up.
I swear anyone who makes the parent of a toddler (or infant for that matter) wait an extra long time at the Dr. is going to find a special bit of karma some day. You know, if you believe in that.
It is like they are testing your parenting skills. Completely unfair.
Geez, that brings back fond memories. (er, not.)
I used to keep scotch tape in my purse and tape the diapers. Then they figured out how to peel up the tape, so then I would stand them up and wrap the tape alllllll the way around until it overlapped itself. usually in the back.
My doctor’s office makes me wait FOREVER too. I swear, it is never less than two hours. I see medical professionals for fifteen minutes. AND I take the first appointments of the day, so that there ought to be NO wait time.
A friend of mine lets her baby shred the paper on the table when the doctor takes too long. They leave the room full of confetti. Her doctor gets to her faster now.
If I had to wait for two hours to see our doctor at a scheduled appointment, I’d probably strip my kid and send her to find him, and hope she peed on his carpet when she did. Poor you.
You need a NEW PED!!!!
I feel for you, as I spent today chasing my daughter with clothes had “released” herself from.
Our nurse gave our son the wrong vaccine during our visit today. Thankfully, an unnecessary flu booster, but the extra shot (when we’d told him just one) was extra unappreciated by all involved. OTOH, the doctor is prompt.
I’m with the first Heather — let her pee on the floor.
Those damn cheddar bunnies are stale four seconds after you open the bag. They’re not kidding when they say, “no preservatives.” In my day you could leave a snack in your desk on Monday, nibble on it throughout the week and it would still be fine on Friday.
I am convinced most peds offices are conducting bizarre sociology experiments that test the limits of the Geneva Convention. At least she didn’t LICK THE FLOOR, like, uh, someone I know.
Would it help to put her in nappy-pants/pull-ups instead? She might find them harder to take off. We switched our son over to pull-ups when he got really awkward about running off during changes. He does the going boneless thing too.
Great picture:-)
Totally sympathise. Have you tried pull up nappies? My babe was doing the same thing and this has foiled her as they are closed at the hip, HA HA! But make sure you get a variety you have to tear open not the reclosable ones eg. Pampers which won’t solve the issue! xx
I think you deserve a medal. A medal made of chocolate even.
Waiting with children sucks. It’s got to be even worse at a Paeds office when they KNOW what kids are like.
Oh, good, at least I’m not the only one whose child licks the floor (re: shriek house, which by the way we have a shrieking house too!). This is so timely, as I had to take my two-year-old to the doctor with me for my two-month-old’s well baby checkup…yeah. The doctor gave him crayons to keep him occupied, which he used to color on the walls and floor. This post made me feel so much better this morning.
My husband is a pediatrician, and he’s almost never running late, but apparently it’s endemic in the specialty.
Diapers with snaps are a glorious thing.
My friend was told by her daycare that she needed to start ductaping her son’s diaper so he wont get into it. Of course she did, and then they called child services on her! Wth?! Lol the child services people were like “Wow, that’s actually a good idea” though. haha.
Long waits in the peds office can be excruciating, and it’s always worse at times like now when they are trying to squeeze in all the ill babes and children. But Simone is so, so cute, with her dimpled elbows, curls at the back of her neck, and rounded thighs and bottom peeking out! You are sure doing a great job with her, even if patience is sometimes in short supply. We can all relate!
OMG, toni mcgee casey AND Katy both have me cracking up … scotch tape and “in my day,” respectively. Plus, you and Simone have given me a new appreciation for my son, who is horrified at the suggestion that he go diaperless (we are working on potty training). Who knew that could be a good thing (relative to the alternatives)?
Would it be easier just to wipe up the pee rather than re-diapering her for the 18 millionth time? I’m just wondering. Speaking from experience, baby pee on a smooth floor mops up pretty easily. He may not WANT to go diaperless, that doesn’t mean I don’t make him do so…
I think that months 16 to 20 are the most challenging in terms of toddler activity. They just WON’T sit still for anything. :) It seems to be getting better at about 22 months now. I can amuse him temporarily with some things and even the diaper seems to be staying on.
I completely feel your pain. My daughter is almost three, and I’ve spent many an hour reading her pamphlets about vaccination and pointing out the animals on the wallpaper in the exam room. It’s excruciating having to wait so long to see a doctor (and usually not even “the” doctor).
Oooooooh I hate it when they get you in the room with a naked kid and THEN make you wait. The last time I had a huge wait I almost lost it. It was just after the twins turned two, and the *beeping* office always thought that they should have their appointments together, like they are one person. Which is fine for babies, I guess, but when they get mobile it sucks ass. To top it off it was a gazillion degrees in there, which is great for naked babies, but not for fully dressed adults. To top it off I was newly pregnant, starving, overheated, and hormonal (I had already gone through my kids’ gold fish supply at that point…bad mommy). I think I grabbed the boy I had under my arm (hubby was chasing naked boy #2 down the hall) and told them that if they didn’t see at least ONE of my kids RIGHT NOW I was taking them both out of there and never coming back. It was amazing how quick people in white coats came running. I highly recommend it ;)
I say you smack the doctor’s office staff (or whoever is responsible) for making you wait 2 hours!!
Oh man, I can sympathize. My daughter was a downright BRAT when she was that age. Running from me, ignoring me, etc. I actually had a doctor who suggested I get some book about parenting and I wanted to shove it in nether regions of said doctor. And, my doctor’s office was never warm – always sub-zero so a removed diaper meant instant peeing. That was 25 years ago. If it’s any consolation, she turned into the best daughter anyone could ever wish for.
While it may get a little costly, how about buying a new book (or 2) to read to her during the wait. This, of course, is an untested suggestion. :-)
Also, when making the appointment, I would ask them if the wait was going to be another 2 hour wait and if it was, assure them you’ll show up promptly 2 hours later than the appointment time. Mention the word “homicidal” and maybe they’ll take you seriously. ;-)
Holy cow. I didn;t realize that the pedi was a TWO HOUR ordeal for other people. And the rooms are always so cold-and they make you wait and wait. TWO HOURS! As if the rest of the world doesn’t work. And like I want her playing with their toys.
Insane. You know, perfectly good moms take shots of vodka before pedi visits. Right?
p.s. That “infertility sufferers more likely to have unexpected pregnancies…” AIN’T NO JOKE. So make sure to have vodka in the early a.m. so that the buzz will wear off and won’t tempt you to act unladylike with the hubs in the afternoon.
I’m trying to make an appointment with an eye doctor for my 16 month-old. I hate this hospital network. The doctor “only sees patients on certain days and is really backed up.” They offer me a slot a half-hour before closing, but when I ask if that won’t be too short, because of the whole dilation-of-the-eyes thing, the receptionist tells me, “Oh, you’ll have to ask the doctor about that.” She’s actually telling me to come see the doctor and then make another appointment, months later, to see the doctor again for the problem!!!!
I’m now waiting for the office nurse to call me back. I think that’s just inexcusable, and so disrespectful or our time (which is what I’ll tell that nurse and this hospital.)
Amen, sister! At our ped. office they remove you from the front waiting room pretty promtly, which (before H1N1) had plenty of toys, books, and a fish tank. They then proceed to let you stew in the exam room for at least a week, which does not have any such entertainment devices. If they don’t see us in ten minutes, I open the door and let the toddler roam.
Look at that tush. So adorable, even if she sometimes acts like a naughty little beast!
I am in denial that my 8 month old will some day be able to unfasten her own diaper……
I have a girlfriend who at bedtime actually puts her daughters sleepers on backwards so that the snaps are behind her. Otherwise she takes everything off at night….the messes she’s had to clean up blech!
Oh God I’ve been there. And yes, the urge to beat your child becomes ever so nagging as the shenanigans go on. Please don’t be mad, but I am SO GLAD I’m not the only one who has gone through this kind of madness. Thank you for sharing. In a strange way, you made my day.
I always used to get so PISSED OFF at doctors who would make me wait that long. The last time it happened, I was with my mother-in-law, at her appointment, and we were there For.Ever. I was so frazzled, and she just kept saying, “It’s ok, there’s probably an emergency. And if the emergency was me, I’d want them to take as long as they need to fix it.” Turns out someone had died in the exam room and that was holding up my appointment. It sort of snapped me out of the impatience.
2 suggestions-have you tried putting your daughter’s diaper on backwards? It may present a greater challenge to her (for a few days anyway). I’ve also seen our daycare fasten onesies over pants when kids are starting to de-robe…
An earlier post re: getting her to eat-if you haven’t discovered Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter-check it out-will make feeding your child/ren so stress free.
Best, Leah
you can tell i am not a parent yet by the fact that all these comments mystify me. all i see here is NAKED BABY BUTT SO CUTE!!!!!
Dear Alexa, she’s so cute in that picture — but of course I know how easy it is to call a kid cute when she is not in the process of frying your every last nerve… I winced, and laughed, and nodded heartily at your description of the scene. You deserve a medal. And a drink. And the pediatrician deserves to be hit in the head with a flying diaper and some Cheddar Bunnies as he opens the door.
We used to go to a pediatrician who was wonderful, but the wait was always eternal. Even 2 hours sometimes. This once happened with my older girl was about Simone’s age and the only thing that tickled her fancy was rolling the paper off the exam sheet paper-holder. I distracted her as best I could with the mirror, the eye exam chart… pamphlets about bedwetting. At 2 hours I just let her do pull away and they came in to a giant wad of paper on the floor.
They didn’t say a thing, except to apologize for the wait.
My sister and I (she is 14 months older) used to alternate stripping while my mom attempted to dress us for nursery school. As soon as she got one of us dressed, and went to the other, the first would strip, and so on. She finally resorted to taking us to school in our underwear (even in the winter) and having us dress in the car.
Oh my god, hit the doctor. TWO HOURS? TWO HOURS??!?!? HIT THE DOCTOR.
Nevermind, I’m on my way, *I* am going to hit the goddamned doctor.
i had to wait to comment because i was laughing too hard at the photo of our mischief-maker simone that i couldn’t see through my tears. ahem. loved this post. loved loved loved the picture. really, you needn’t have written a word. and any doctors office that makes you wait that long deserves anything and everything. absolutely no excuse.
yes, what Juli said, too. i meant to add that.
First (and only because, thankfully, my kids don’t do this), I think it’s a scream that your kid takes off her diaper every chance she gets.
Second, I TOTALLY sympathize with you because I leave the pediatrician’s office, every single time, hating all children and the very idea of mothering, so exasperated am I by the whole marathon event. But I have TWO KIDS. Not to get all “my life is harder than yours,” but you know. My life is harder than yours.
Hee! I am still chuckling at the idea of Simone taking off her diaper.
I am in favor of all the suggestions that you let Simone destroy the room if they make you wait two hours. Two hours?! Really?
I admit I too have succumbed to the lure of duct tape on the diapers, because nap and bed time just turned into the “kid without pants time”. Once they figure out how to get the diaper off they do it all the time. I didn’t wrap the tape all the way around though, I am neurotic and feared doing it too tight. I just rip off a piece, tear it lengthwise and use it to reinforce each side.
“I feel like a frazzled caricature” of my former self are the words I would use to describe myself for the past 2.5yrs, thanks for giving legs to my feelings!
Kiddo & I went for flu shot this week and he screamed in my ear for the full 20min (in front office, down hallway, into small room, during my shot, during his shot) the nurses kept saying “we are so impressed with his stamina” and my low point was muttering “dude, give it a rest will ‘ya, it is NOT that bad” just as the doctor came in & looked at me like I was the worst parent ever!
Definitely let Simone loose in the exam room! I give the doctor half an hour after we’ve been taken into the room. Then it’s free rein on all the instruments, papers, toys and computer (don’t think I haven’t spent an hour trying to guess our ped’s password). My son is now 3 and will happily while away an hour on my iPhone. Muuuuuch better than 2.
It’s perfectly okay, in situations such as the one you described, to laugh when the baby gets her shot. She put you through the wringer so you’re definitely entitled to find amusement in her indignant howls of pain.
BTW, isn’t it funny that while we were yearning for a baby of our very own we never once envisioned how what horrific little turds they can be at times? We imagined angelic smiles and blissful moments singing them to sleep but we never imagined the screaming red hell of the pediatrician’s waiting room.
HI-LARIOUS!! Oh my word. Haven’t we all been there?! At least she didn’t try to stick her hands into the “sharps” container to investigate what wonderful curiosities lie inside. Great post :)
I just spent 45 minutes in a freaking exam room waiting for 2 vaccines for my 15mo. From a nurse, not a doctor, during regularly scheduled shot clinic hours. Not even flu vax, which they don’t have…ARGH is an understatement. Two hours, I don’t know how you all emerged unscathed. You are made of better stuff than I.
(Never commented before; love love LOVE your blog. Can’t wait for the book!)
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-76.html
Oh my! brings back memories. love the picture!
Chocolate chips.
For after shots, I mean. Fitz-Hume is a hysterical car alarm after all shots. Two chocolate chips, and we’re good.
Things I have done while bored at the office:
*Curled up on the exam table and napped with Millbarge
*Taken the girls for long walks in the hall
*Let them TOUCH THINGS
*Entertained them by singing long, loud, totally inappropriate drinking songs
I hope everything is going great with writing lately, and I send you well-wishes if everything *isn’t* going great.
For the record I have never commented or emailed anyone to whine about/beg them to update their blog. Even if you looooove that person’s style and look forward to glimpses of their baby’s tush etc., it’s rude and weird.
But you’re testing my convictions, lady…
Ah, the pedi waiting room. Remember the days when you wouldn’t let your precious angel touch any of the toys there, lest she catch some of those hardy germs remaining from when that kid with the runniest nose you have ever witnessed played with them? I do. It seems that every year I let her play with them more and more. At her three-year check-up, after waiting for 45 minutes, she asked to take one home with her. And I seriously considered it. It’s the least they owe us, inconsiderate buggers.