One of the questions someone asked on formspring was whether I ever wish I were anonymous here, and the answer is yes, sometimes I do.
My first serious boyfriend had a website that he’d started when he was 16—it had journal entries, and pictures, and audio of his various musical endeavors. It was a blog, basically, not that I had ever heard of such a thing, and even by the time we dated, in college (1999?) my friends found the idea hilarious and mockable. A website all about himself? How bizarre and narcissistic!
He told me about it but asked me not to look, and I never did (I am a girl of my word, you see)…until we broke up. I was a wreck, then, the sort of sad post-dumping cliche you see on television, sniffing t-shirts and weeping over old photos. I finally ventured onto his online turf, only for a moment, and not five minutes later there was an email in my inbox, and all it said was: “Did you enjoy my site?”
I swear to god, it might as well have been THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE, for the effect it had on me. How had he known? Had he implanted some device in my computer to spy on me? Was it like getting the address of a phone call, where you had to stay on the line a certain number of seconds before it could be triangulated? It’s funny, now, because it illustrates how extraordinarily unsavvy I was about the Internet back then. I didn’t know what an IP address was, or how things that existed online really existed, come to think of it, and even when I started my own website five years later I took it for granted that no one I knew would find me.
When Simone was in the NICU I voluntarily gave up even the pretense of anonymity. I’d grown so tired of updating relatives about her condition that I simply sent them the link, and since then I have come to like being out and proud online, and many good things have come to me as a result of it. Every once in a while, though, there is something I want to talk about but don’t, for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or making someone worry, or simply because the idea of relatives reading it makes me die a little inside. Even if I were anonymous there would be things I’d feel ethically squeamish about sharing because they involve other people, and this is a line I walk in my offline writing as well.
The problem with these restrictions is that sometimes something comes along that falls outside them, but is so big that not writing about it feels like lying.
Probably one of the most hated sort of posts in posting history is that wherein some sort of drama or excitement is alluded to but not explicated, and yet here I am, sort of:
For the past few months, I have been having some Domestic Difficulties.
No one committed any singular, grievous wrong; it has been more of a scale-tipping situation, culminating a couple of weeks ago (around the time I stopped posting, not-at-all-coincidentally) with surreal discussions of separation and new apartments and Best For Everyone. I couldn’t even allude to it here, because we hadn’t talked to our families, and wouldn’t THAT be a fine thing to read with one’s morning coffee.
Against all expectations, things have gotten better since then, and our condition has been upgraded from CRITICAL to STABLE. Things have been so good that I thought about returning to posting with no explanation for my absence, going on in my customary vein about the book and Simone and the upcoming March of Babies walk I have COMPLETELY neglected to fundraise for and WTF, writers of Private Practice, would it KILL you to hire a medical consultant who knows something about preemies? (I’m available, BTW. Call me.) Part of the reason I considered not mentioning my Domestic Difficulties at all is that I would frankly LIKE to go back to talking about those things, about my many newly-developed theories and questions regarding Sesame Street, for instance. It’s hard to talk about this. It has been a miserable time for me, and I still feel confused and unsure of where I will be, literally, in six months.
In the end, though, I couldn’t keep this to myself, and not just because STABLE is a long way from OUT OF THE WOODS. I’ve never omitted something this big from the online record, and I’m not going to start now, even if it’s awkward, and makes me feel slightly ill to contemplate publishing this. So there. That’s where I’ve been. Glad to be back.
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Can I just give hugs? It’s okay to go out of this world and focus on the outside one for a bit. I hope so much for you that you can make from stable to out of the woods.
I struggle with the what I should and shouldn’t say online (my inlaws would like if I said MUCH less). But I usually do what you did, internalize for awhile and then spew some drips out for people to hear. I find it helps to get myself out there and be heard.
Plus it never hurts to have other people rooting for you.
So. Glad to have you back. You’ve been missed. :)
I so feel for you and I have so been there. It was especially bad for me after having been together for about seven years. I wasn’t particularly itching for another person, but I was itchy. I went around saying that I truly believed that we should live next door to each other. And while sometimes I still think that would be ideal, the marriage has worked out, mostly well, for the past 15 years. Including dealing with two difficult (no sex allowed) pregnancies, two scary births, secondary infertility, four miscarriages, opening two new businesses, juggling childcare without being able to pay for any when we each had/have jobs, and buying one fixer-upper. Let me say, more than anything else, it was probably the house that brought me closer to divorce than anything else, the goddamn house.
My husband is rather stubborn and I was never able to get him to more than one session of marriage therapy. But the years of therapy that I did by myself, and the anti-depressants, have worked wonders. There is so much more smooth sailing than there used to be.
I so hope that you can work it out and be mostly happy together. I hope that you both bring out the best in each other, most of the time. And I hope that you can find more moments of being in love in the midst of the chaos of life. You have had a few very difficult months (year?) with the book, not to mention the misery that lead to it. It would be surprising if all this didn’t put a huge strain on your marriage (wait a minute, it just occurred to me that you might not be married, so let’s just pretend that I was saying partnership). And I so hope that you can get through it and have a mostly good marriage/partnership/coupledom.
Hang in there. We’re all pulling for you no matter how it works out.
I’ve been there before and funnily enough, it was my blog that got me through it.
We are here for what you want to tell us.
HUGS :)
Oh, my. I’m so sorry. It is crazy how joyous times (like, finishing your first book) can so coincide with wretchedness. I wish you and your husband the best as you struggle together.
Unlike illness, or other life traumas, marital trouble is a matter for only 2 people – the ones in the marriage. Putting it out for the whole world only has bad consequences, and you are absolutely right in limiting yourself to the statements you’ve made. I hope you venture quickly from stable to out of the woods.
Oh, my darling.
Thinking of you.
Good for you for sharing! People don’t talk about these kinds of struggles enough, and I’m convinced that being open about them can actually help. Most importantly, you get to feel authentic in this very important space.
*applies large hugs to Alexa, because she had been lately hovering around the idea of floating a tentative email into the black hole of Alexa’s long silence, or AT LEAST a concerned tweet, but sadly didn’t, and has had something awfully similar occur to herself too, and essentially would like to stop typing now and just do the large hugs again*
Welcome back!!! I’ve missed you!
Oh dear. I’ve been there, or at least close enough to relate wholeheartedly. I hope you and your family get through this with the most positive outcome (whatever that may be) for everyone involved.
We’re glad to have you back. We’ve missed you.
Oh man, I am sorry about your DDs. Wow, that came out wrong. I meant your Domestic Difficulties, of course, though now I have a few hilarious jokes I could make. Thinking of you! And your DDs. Okay, I’ll stop.
I am in the middle of a divorce right now (not to imply AT ALL that that’s where you’re headed), and I have to thank you for posting this. It can be a very isolating time, and it is a comfort to know that one is not alone in these things. I wish you the best and I am glad you’re writing here again.
I am so sorry, I hope you guys can work it out (if thats what you want). Even rough patches that can be worked through are awful and unsettling. Difficulties that wind up with potential separate living arrangements, frankly suck ass. All your fans in the internet wish you the best, even if it means we have to endure less posting from our favorite blogger. Good luck and lots of love to you guys.
Thank you for being brave and for trusting us enough to share your struggles. Just let us know what we can do to help. I make a mean chocolate chip cookie, if you’re interested.
Sorry to hear that there have been troubles in your life of late. Hoping for an improvement from stable as soon as poss.
Welcome back.
xx
Wishing you and your family all the very best Alexa.
(1) We’re here with you. (2) You don’t owe us a darn thing, including explanations. And I have to agree that when things are rough in my house, keeping it mostly between us is usually best.
I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. That sounds awful. I totally get why you would want to stay quiet about such a huge life issue of such a personal nature. Marriage is tricky, and the internet makes it trickier.
I’m glad you’re back–missed you!! Wishing you and your family nothing but the very best!!!! Hang in there!!
Sunnie
*big hug* it’s hard. hang in there. I’ve been married for 13 years now, have three little kids, and we are STILL not sure if we should stay together…
*Hugs* I think most people have been there. I’m so glad you’re back; I missed reading your posts!
Feel the love of the internets! As was mentioned above, you don’t owe us anything and if, in the future, you decide to stop mentioning any hint of whisper about your DDs, you STILL don’t owe us anything. But where you dare to share, there will be lots of love and support for you here. xoxo
((((alexa)))) i know it’s all AA and stuff, but thank you for sharing.
Oh, Alexa, I hate that for you. I have been there and it sucks and it’s just awful. I’m glad you two are STABLE and hope to soon here that you are WONDERFUL and HAPPY, because you totally deserve that.
Shit I’m sorry. Glad your back but was hoping the absence was spent spending your copious book dollars on fun things, not worrying about such heavy life matters.
I hope it helps you a bit to at least write out what you can about it all. Know that I’m thinking of you.
::hugs::
Don’t forget to take care of yourself through all this. We all love you!
Glad you’re back, although I’m so sorry to hear that things hit CRITICAL at all. I used to hate when they would say my son was ‘critically stable’.. but stability at all is better than not. And thank you for the email you sent me back when I announced in your comment section that i had preemie twins, lost one, and the other was in the NICU. It really helped. He’s home now, after 119 days.
And yes, Private Practice writers need a throat punch.
Thank you for sharing. And I am sorry for the patch you are in. I hope it works out.
i’ve been there, and i hope for you two that it brings you what it brought us: a stronger, healthier partnership than ever would have been possible had we not been forced to face the problems that had been brewing for years.
missed you.
I’m sorry you’ve been through the ringer — there is nothing so deeply unsettling as when the bedrock of your life starts to make fizzures. So happy that things have move to “stable” — and wishing you both the time and patience and resolve and humor to get to “solidly good.” (Man, marriage should be a verb).
I’m glad you got it out in the open; I missed you, girly. (and god knows, I am certainly the worst — one little blip on the reproductive screen and I go all opaque for months). Wishing you the very best.
Fissures. GOD. (am working on brief on little sleep and brain stopped working).
Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry things have been so difficult for you. All the best to you and yours.
sending some online hugs and good wishes……
Thinking of you and hoping very much that you look back on this as just a tiny bump in the road on a lifelong journey.
no words, just hugs.
welcome back. hugs.
Oh Alexa! I wish I had some words of wisdom or something useful to say. I know you don’t know me from the faceless folks on the street, but if you need an e-mail address to send off a vent or a scream or a cry – well – you can add mine to your collection. Big hugs to you, and your family.
It is good to see you back. Life’s news isn’t always all sunflowers and poetry, sometimes what we’re dealing with is crap, but that doesn’t mean you can use us as an outlet, a sounding board or simply a place to dump some words. /hugs/ <3
Thank you for writing about this. As someone who has experienced her own Domestic Difficulties (and, you know, we still do occasionally…we’re both pretty intense people and having two small kids and very little income is stressful), I know how mum people keep on the topic. You are not alone, and by writing about this, you’ve reminded someone else that she is not alone, either.
just…just love. from a stranger (me) to you. i hope things get better and better and stabler and stabler (that sounds like a very one-sided episode of SVU).
I’m glad you are back. I’m very sorry to hear about difficulties on the home front. I hope things sort out however they will and you can feel fantastic again.
Thinking of you and yours.
Oh Alexa. My thoughts are with you. Please make sure that he reaches out for support too. Even when it’s hard be sure to be each other’s friend (even if the romance part isn’t cutting it).
Smooches to you both
Welcome back! I’m so happy to see you again!
And the DDs, i’m glad that someone else has them. We’ve gone from Critical to.. less than Critical recently, and it’s still not flowers and puppies. (And, you know, my still-formulating post about that has the same title as yours.) Posting has definitely helped me get some of the extra thoughts out of me, moreso than long-distance running. Good luck and, again, happy to read another post!
*With outstretched arms* singing, “You Shall Never Walk Alone.”
I have emerged out the other side of that dark tunnel, intact and strangely taller.
Add me to the list of random strangers that can offer some comfort and support in these troubling times…
*warm hugs to you and Simone*
Sending hugs…And strength…And wishing the very best for you and your family.
Glad you are back, too! :)
Thank you for posting this, you are strong like bull woman :-) A year ago I went through a depression ( I called it post partum but my kiddo was 1.5yrs old :-) Every part of my life was touched by my situation, I truly wanted to omit that whole part of my life from my memory, from discussing with friends, from saying it out loud which made it too real….I loved my life but for some reason found myself uncomfortable in my own life and uncertainty was one cruel mistress. Back in my happy place now a year later but experience Dom. Diff. more often than I care to admit!
Anywhooooo…..lots of love & support from the outer reaches of the web…
Oh dear, sorry to hear about the difficulties and wish you well in your journey out of the woods.
(Truly, I’ve had more than one of these crises points in my marriage – and they are awful and wrenching, and we feel raw and jagged in the aftermath, but so far we’ve ended up being drawn back together and working things out).
I’m really looking forward to reading Half-Baked.
You rock.
Been there, baby. Been exactly there.
If I can help at all, let me know. I know everyone’s DD’s are different, but sometimes it helps to vent to someone who won’t judge, not even a little.
Love you.
You’re a powerful woman, let me tell you.
Thank you for your honesty.
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