One of the questions someone asked on formspring was whether I ever wish I were anonymous here, and the answer is yes, sometimes I do.
My first serious boyfriend had a website that he’d started when he was 16—it had journal entries, and pictures, and audio of his various musical endeavors. It was a blog, basically, not that I had ever heard of such a thing, and even by the time we dated, in college (1999?) my friends found the idea hilarious and mockable. A website all about himself? How bizarre and narcissistic!
He told me about it but asked me not to look, and I never did (I am a girl of my word, you see)…until we broke up. I was a wreck, then, the sort of sad post-dumping cliche you see on television, sniffing t-shirts and weeping over old photos. I finally ventured onto his online turf, only for a moment, and not five minutes later there was an email in my inbox, and all it said was: “Did you enjoy my site?”
I swear to god, it might as well have been THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE, for the effect it had on me. How had he known? Had he implanted some device in my computer to spy on me? Was it like getting the address of a phone call, where you had to stay on the line a certain number of seconds before it could be triangulated? It’s funny, now, because it illustrates how extraordinarily unsavvy I was about the Internet back then. I didn’t know what an IP address was, or how things that existed online really existed, come to think of it, and even when I started my own website five years later I took it for granted that no one I knew would find me.
When Simone was in the NICU I voluntarily gave up even the pretense of anonymity. I’d grown so tired of updating relatives about her condition that I simply sent them the link, and since then I have come to like being out and proud online, and many good things have come to me as a result of it. Every once in a while, though, there is something I want to talk about but don’t, for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or making someone worry, or simply because the idea of relatives reading it makes me die a little inside. Even if I were anonymous there would be things I’d feel ethically squeamish about sharing because they involve other people, and this is a line I walk in my offline writing as well.
The problem with these restrictions is that sometimes something comes along that falls outside them, but is so big that not writing about it feels like lying.
Probably one of the most hated sort of posts in posting history is that wherein some sort of drama or excitement is alluded to but not explicated, and yet here I am, sort of:
For the past few months, I have been having some Domestic Difficulties.
No one committed any singular, grievous wrong; it has been more of a scale-tipping situation, culminating a couple of weeks ago (around the time I stopped posting, not-at-all-coincidentally) with surreal discussions of separation and new apartments and Best For Everyone. I couldn’t even allude to it here, because we hadn’t talked to our families, and wouldn’t THAT be a fine thing to read with one’s morning coffee.
Against all expectations, things have gotten better since then, and our condition has been upgraded from CRITICAL to STABLE. Things have been so good that I thought about returning to posting with no explanation for my absence, going on in my customary vein about the book and Simone and the upcoming March of Babies walk I have COMPLETELY neglected to fundraise for and WTF, writers of Private Practice, would it KILL you to hire a medical consultant who knows something about preemies? (I’m available, BTW. Call me.) Part of the reason I considered not mentioning my Domestic Difficulties at all is that I would frankly LIKE to go back to talking about those things, about my many newly-developed theories and questions regarding Sesame Street, for instance. It’s hard to talk about this. It has been a miserable time for me, and I still feel confused and unsure of where I will be, literally, in six months.
In the end, though, I couldn’t keep this to myself, and not just because STABLE is a long way from OUT OF THE WOODS. I’ve never omitted something this big from the online record, and I’m not going to start now, even if it’s awkward, and makes me feel slightly ill to contemplate publishing this. So there. That’s where I’ve been. Glad to be back.
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Wishing you all the best for the road from Stable to Out Of The Woods.
It’s a difficult line, this online sharing, especially when one is rather non-anonymous. I appreciate your honesty, but at the same time I’m very hesitant to blog about our troubles with conceiving, given that the blog is read by in-laws, colleagues etc. Sigh. Take care.
so, so sorry. and hoping you get to where you need and want to be.
welcome back, happy to see you, unhappy you’re unhappy, but glad that you shared.
Another voice in the sympathetic chorus. Yes, it is hard. We feel you.
k
Suck. I’m sending positive thoughts your way.
Oh, Alexa. Sending every possible good thought your way.
So sorry you have been going through this. So glad that things seem to be going well. Sending you positive thoughts and energy for good things in the future.
I’m so sorry sweetie…I hope things continue to get better.
As I know none of the details, this is probably assvice, so take it as you feel it’s worth, but I was thinking now that your book is about to be born, you will have more time and emotional energy to deal with said domestic difficulties?
Also, there is a GREAT book I’ve read multiple times called “Grown-Up Marriage” by Judith Viorst. It has helped me keep my sanity in the past when relationship issues were getting me down, and I expect it to do so in the future as well.
Glad you’re back–I’ve missed you. I’m sending good thoughts your way.
Glad to see you back, and hear that you’re stable. Hope your situation upgrades to OOTW soon.
Sorry about the DD. I’ve been there, and boy does it suck. But I second/third/whatever those that admire your bravery and honesty. It is hard to talk about the less-than-rosy side of marriage and I think more people need to admit that it’s not always easy or even doable.
Hang in there.
I am sorry to hear things have been tough, but glad they are going in the right direction. I think we often forget that what we see from the outside isn’t always what is going on in the inside, marriage is hard and all marriages/partnerships have difficulties. So don’t feel like your situation is out of the ordinary, I think nearly everyone here has been where you are now, and it sucks and we are all pulling for you.
I am, of course, always here for you, but you know that.
Obviously, I have more experience with this than I really would have liked to have. I’m glad you were honest, even though I sometimes cringe to hit Publish as much as the next person.
There is absolutely no shame in it. If there is one thing I have learned for myself in the past year, it is that, no matter what anyone says: there is absolutely no shame in it.
Hi Alexa, I don’t know that I’ve ever commented before. I’ve been married to my husband for four years now, and we were separated for over seven months in 2009. We’re now back together (after A LOT of therapy for both of us individually, and for us as a couple). So, first, I am really sorry for all you’re going through right now. I completely empathize and sympathize with you because it was the worst time of my life (the not knowing what was going to happen was the worst!).
Second, please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk. I know, I know: we don’t know each other. But I swear, talking to someone who didn’t know me or my situation was so much better than talking to someone who did. I didn’t WANT to talk about my marital problems with all of my friends because I didn’t want to handle the expectation that I would continue to keep them in the loop. So although many of them knew we were separated, very few of them knew the details and the whys and hows.
Third, well I don’t know. I want to say something cheesy like, “It’s all going to work out,” but I don’t want you to throw anything at my head. Just know that most things DO work out, even if it’s not how we planned them to work out (I, for example, have not spoken to my in-laws in over a year). And you will be able to get through it with the love of your family and your friends. Good luck and, as I said, feel free to e-mail. Big hugs to you.
I think almost every couple with child goes thru this. There are just so many changes to deal with, different expectations that didn’t used to be there both on ourselves and our partners. It is just readjusting to new patterns, behaviors, lives that is so damn difficult. We chose to stay together and goto therapy and half of us got on antidepressants adn it has all made a world of difference. We are almost out of the woods. Good luck to you all.
Mikki
Thinking of you and sending you strength!
Oh, gosh. I am so sorry. I never would have guessed–just thought you were bogged down with editing, publishing, raising a baby, having a family, etc. So glad you’ve upgraded to “stable” and so hopeful that you’ll wind up at “out of the woods.” Also, your husband is very cute ;-)
I am honestly and truly sorry you have been going through a rough patch. As someone who has been there and worked it through, know that it’s possible. Will we last forever? Heck if I know…but yes, been there. (Although I will say, different since no children are involved…but, we have a house and a cat, and well, I’m not trying to negate or validate, just say how it is, and how it is, is occasionally just down right sucktastic.)
Wishing you my best. No matter how things go.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you peace and strength.
I’m making an assumption here but… nothing like having a baby to turn your life upside down. No one told me this gorgeous but demanding being would change my marriage! And then writing a book? Double whammy!
After I had our son, I was visiting my grandmother. I hadn’t said a word to her about my life and she said out of nowhere, “I know what a baby does to a marriage. It gets better.” Those two sentences meant the world to me. Thankfully once everyone started getting good sleep then we all started feeling better.
I really hope that everything works out for the best. Take care. I love your writing.
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I wish the best for all of you and hope you are able to work it out.
Nice to have you writing again.
Alexa, I’m wishing you all the best and hoping that ‘out of the woods’ is just around the corner now that the craziness of writing the manuscript is behind you.
First, I’m so sorry to hear you have had troubles. Second, I know very few married people who haven’t hit at least one seriously bad patch in the course of things.
Marriage is the absolutely hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think that people are really naturally built to spend their entire lives with the same person. Thus it takes a lot of work and compromise on an individual level to work into being part of a unit, and sometimes I think the amount of self-compromise required makes people start to not recognize themselves anymore. Then the wheels start to come off a little bit. I hope your situation works out the best possible way for you, whatever you determine that to be. And know there are clearly many people out in the wide world sending very positive thoughts your way. You put out a lot of good energy; I hope it all returns to you and your family three-fold.
sorry it sucked.
glad you’re back.
Hi Alexa,
I know I am commenter 70ish or something like that but I just want you to know that its ok. I think most people would understand and support your decision either way. And also, I have been checking every day for new posts and always love to read what you have written.
You are not alone!
After 36 years our marriage is still a work in progress. Sometimes it’s great and sometimes it isn’t. The key is to keep talking and, where necessary, forgive – a whole lot occasionally!
Did Scott find another job? I can’t remember you mentioning this since telling us he had been retrenched. That must have been a dreadful experience after all that you had already been through and is often a trigger for disharmony.
Blog or don’t blog as you feel your way through this. We can wait and will hope for out of the woods and into the sunshine very soon.
Hang in there. Missed your writing!
Why do so many of us find ourselves here after we have kids? I swear that I didn’t think my marriage was going to make it. About 14 months after my son was born, my husband and I had THE TALK. We actually used words like, “If we split, this is what it would look like” and so on. I never really imagined that I would have those conversations with my husband, but there you go. The first year and a half postpartum was very touch-and-go for our marriage. We had another blip around the holidays last year when my close friend was leaving her husband and it brought up all manner of unresolved issues in my own marriage. I believe we are in a very good, very strong place now. But damn if it didn’t take a lot of work, pain and tears to get here. I never would have predicted this. Isn’t having a wee one supposed to bring you together and make your relationship stronger? It nearly tore ours to unrepairable shreds. I suppose it is stronger now, but man, at such a price.
I’m sorry. I’m just real sorry. It stinks.
I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I’m sending you positive thoughts. Hang in there!
Hope things are looking up! Missed you and your posts but was never unhappy to click onto your site and see the cute picture of Simone from Easter :) Take care!
That was me! That was me, on formspring, with the question. Thank you for your answer, for this post, and for your honesty. Good luck in the woods.
Just another one of your fans sending big, enormous hugs your way. We were CRITICAL (appointments set with lawyers, hysterical drives to work after dropping off the kiddies in daycare) and now, we are most days VERY VERY STABLE and some glorious days OUT OF THE WOODS.
After some joint therapy (with a cold fish of a therapist my engineer husband appreciated but who I didn’t really like) and months of ups and downs – I realized we were on our way out of the tunnel when my husband made a joke one evening in the kitchen and
A. I actually thought the joke was funny
B. I actually laughed
C. I had the thought “Wow, he’s funny. Wait, do I actually like this guy? ” and I realized, that yes, in fact, I do like this guy.
We so totally still have our ups and downs, but somehow, we’ve begun to recconnect and realized why we got all mixed up with each other in the first place.
Sending much much love your way. We’re all here for you.
we are strangers to one another, but i wanted to say bravo for being brave enough to say those words out loud, let along write them down, especially at such a trying time.
i don’t have nearly as large of an online presence as you, nor any regular following of any discernable size, but about a year and a half ago, my life as i knew end came crumbling down. i took myself offline, writing only about innocuous stuff and avoiding having to say ‘my boyfriend lied to me and dumped me via text message to go fight in a war instead of starting our life.’ i had given up my career in international development and relocated to europe and then to canada so we could be together and i wasn’t sure where i would work or live, let alone how i was going to make up my identity without being ‘the girl who lives in dangerous and scary places doing meaningful work.’
it sucked and i wasn’t exactly sure how much of that i wanted to divulge and part of the reason was because i felt ashamed and embarassed. and especially because this was the first time i had ever written that i was even in a relationship on my website (and there had been a few…).
now that my life has been rebuilt (and built stronger than ever), i can easily spare some warm thoughts and hope and send them your way and via the internet, the tool that i was so afraid of to share my true feelings.
I’m so sorry. Didn’t that Julia Child blog woman wind up divorced too?
Bravo for posting about a sensitive subject and trusting all of us to support you in the best ways we know how.
It is a tricky thing, marriage, especially when raising small children. The effort it can sometimes take is draining on every front.
One day at a time. STABLE is a long way from CRITICAL.
I know others have said as much but sending you warm thoughts, martinis, and love. I hope the stable continues… you both are young (really, you are) and have been through a ridiculous amount of life challenges in the very recent past. (life, death, job loss, job success, etc…) it’s just a great deal. and it’s hard to balance one’s success when another may be struggling. just. so. hard. i wish you well and hope things ease so you both can be still and be together for a while.
You are going to be ok. And Simone is going to be ok. Regardless of what happens. But the only way to get to ok is to go through it. The woods, the hell, the talking, the not talking, the lawyers, or no lawyers just lots of silence and sleeping on the couch, the new apartment or not the new apartment. And one day you’re ok. And your daughter is ok. Thank you for letting us see in because it made me see me for a minute too.
There’s a relationship curve published somewhere, and I have absolutely no idea what it is called officially, but imagine time on the horizontal axis and contentment with your relationship on the vertical axis. The time scale ranges from “pre-children” to old age.
the curve is basically the shape of a nike swoosh, being extremely content when the couple is childless and decreasing drastically during the first 2-3 years of the child’s life, then slowly increasing through out the remainder of the relationship.
So, long story short, It will get better. and you’re not alone.
Alexa,
You guys have been through so much – it would be surprising if it didn’t have repercussions. I’m glad you’re in a stable place now and I hope you take good care of yourself.
Hugs.
Alexa,
Seriously? Who DOESN’T have Domestic Difficulties? Oh, friend. We contemplate separation regularly. Marriage is HARD, and when we make it through troubles to the other side, we just might appreciate each other more… Just a hopeful thought…
I really admire your integrity, your forthrightness and your courage (as well as your writing.) I have nothing of any import to say other than I’ve been in this place of which you speak myself and it’s, well, something that’s very hard to deal with, very hard to explain to others for various reasons and just tough. Even brutal. I wish you all the very best.
My goodness, I was stopping by to see if you were begging for money for the March of Babies, since I’ve gotten used to your silence, although I didn’t want to.
I am sure my marriage will always be kinda dicey. I harbor many ill feelings that I try to balance with all the good ones and I struggle, struggle, struggle. Now I finally understand why parents say they stay together for the kids, and when I thought about that after my first child and thought I could stick it out, I went for child number two, and got more firmly stuck to that somewhat crazy man. I got nothin’ to offer you except thanks for your honesty and giving me, yet again, another big bunch of comments to read that might give me some helpful hints about how to live my life.
Oh, man. I’m someone who also struggles with issues of online anonymity. Very few IRL people know about my blog, and certainly not my family (except my husband, of course), and I wonder what would come along that would make me want to share the link with them. And I don’t know. I’ve kind of half-assed it for now, with certain IRL people knowing (people who I can’t imagine would judge me one way or the other), and then other IRL people who are absolutely not allowed to know anything (because they would judge me from the get-go, AND I wouldn’t be able to vent about them on the blog…).
But anyhow, what I mean to say is that I can commiserate about there being something important going on and not being able to fully write about it because of the potential audience. And Domestic Difficulties would certainly fall into that “something important” space.
I’m actually terrified myself. I’ve seen so many friends with otherwise great relationships that have just dissolved after having children. I’m at that place right now where I can’t even imagine ever having an issue big enough to take us to that place where we begin talking about separation, but then again, I don’t think most couples necessarily anticipate a separation before it becomes obvious. Children do a number on relationships (they do a number on us as individuals, so how could they not also affect relationships?), and as I am on the precipice of becoming a mother for the first time, I am terrified of what they will do to us. I mean, I’m not only terrified because I love this person more than I ever thought I could love another person and I don’t want to lose that, but because I can’t imagine a life feasible for either of us if we were to separate. I mean, he’s the breadwinner. I couldn’t afford to live without his income, and I certainly couldn’t take care of our children without earning my own income (which would be absorbed by day care largely, and thus leave me destitute anyway). And I couldn’t move back to a place where I could have the support of family and friends, because I can’t imagine ever hating him enough to take his children away from him. It’s just not even remotely feasible for us to live separately, and I feel the full fear of what that would be like were we to find ourselves at an impasse. Scary stuff.
Anyhow, it’s good to know that even in the face of a separation that there is possible recovery, that one can go from critical condition back to stable. I’m wishing you and Scott well, hoping for an easy and quick transition back to Out Of The Woods. I’m glad that you are able to write about it here, to share it with us, and I’m hoping that other commenters have been able to be more useful than I.
That really sucks. I know, because well, I know. I’m in that stable stage as well. I really wish the best for you and “everyone”.It is not the least bit fun to go through domestic difficulties.
So glad you’re back, so sorry to hear where you’ve been. Reading your comments has even bolstered me a bit; it’s so nice to hear that this time in life (young kids, young careers, etc) is just plain difficult. Like everyone else has said, I’m wishing you all the best.
gah! marriage is so hard!
i think everyone has these waves and sometimes you just have to ride them out. luckily my husband and i were way too broke to break up when we really really (i hate to say hate, but)hated each other. been together 20 years and married 13. sometimes it’s just not fun anymore…good luck to you.
Marriage IS hard…and you and Scott have been through the wringer. You’ve had much more grief than the average newlyweds heaped on your plates. I am glad that things are stable now and I’m praying they stay that way for you. Do you think it was maybe the push of getting the MS done and out the door?
If it helps any at all, when Sam was first born, I was ready to divorce Jeff. I won’t go into the details here but we had awful fights fueled by sleep deprivation and a refluxy baby. I showed up on my friend Emily’s front step, toting Sam, and wept on her couch for hours.
We got through it even though it involved therapy for me. (He came sometimes too.)I’m hoping it’s the letdown of stress for you guys. But if it’s not, you know I’ll be here for you anyway.
XOXOXOXOX
I’m sorry. I’ve been there, when my 27 weeker was 2ish. We didn’t technically separate, but he did stay in a hotel (he worked out of town) during the week for about 18 months. It turned out to be the Best Thing Ever. We talked on the phone for hours every night, without also trying to babywrangle. It saved our marriage. I hope you and Scott find your way. Hugs to you both.
pull it together you two. You have to stay together for 16 more years to set a good example for Simone. You can do it. You are parents now; living for Simone. Please work hard at staying together. Thank you.
You are awesome.
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