Long before I’d begun thinking about children, I knew pregnancy would be rough on me in one specific way. Hormones and my stomach do not play well together. I had birth-control-induced hyperemesis twice. The first time, when I was about 14, my already spindly 93-pound frame was whittled to skeletal proportions—I believe I got down to 79 pounds—and the second time, some years later, I ended up hospitalized for three days due to dehydration. My first pregnancy with Scott was discovered before my period was even due to arrive, because I threw up, and I had a hard time functioning until about a week before I miscarried, when I felt better and knew something was wrong. During my last pregnancy, the nausea started when I was six weeks and change, and by about seven weeks or so, I couldn’t keep anything down at all. I’d already been taking the Unisom and B6 combo, but while that helped with the nausea, it did nothing once the vomiting began. Thus, Zofran. Zofran was a miracle drug for me. I still felt ill, but not terribly so, and I was well enough to go to work, to eat some, and most importantly, to DRINK. On Zofran, I threw up maybe a couple of times a day, sometimes not at all. Yes, I was on the maximum dose, and had to wake myself to take a tablet at 4am (the last dose wearing off functioned as a nausea alarm clock), and I did continue to throw up regularly until I delivered at 25 weeks. Still: Miracle Drug.
This time, I got sicker, sooner. I am already on my strict Zofran/Unisom/B6 schedule, but while the drugs are keeping me from actually puking, I always always feel like I am on the verge, and in general feel leagues worse than I did with Ames and Simone. Imagine the worst hangover you’ve ever had, or the worst motion sickness, a time when you felt like even moving your eyeballs might be too much for your perilous equilibrium. It’s like that.
It makes no sense, because, like I said, the Zofran IS keeping me vomit-free, as long as I am careful not to miss a dose, so it SEEMS like I should feel much BETTER than last time, or at the very least the same, right? Alas, no. (Last time I was on prednisone up until 17 weeks, so I suspect that has something to do with it.)
I haven’t been able to do much of anything. Most of the day I am curled on the couch, focusing all of my energy on Not Puking. I usually have a small window in the early afternoon when I am well-ish—I can read email, talk on the phone, take a shower, and act human. I try to get some food and liquids in me then. Today, though, I didn’t even get my window. I don’t think I am getting enough to drink, and I’ve lost a few pounds. The Zofran side effects have been awful (still working out the best Colace timing/dosage). I can only care for Simone if you broaden the definition of “care for” significantly, and forget work or cleaning around the apartment. Scott has been great, but I fret about the burden on him.
Wednesday marks seven weeks, and it terrifies me to know that this is where I am, even maxed out on my meds, and that it is likely to get much worse before it gets better. I feel guilty that I’m not enjoying this more. I’m afraid that I’m going to go in and find out that the heart has stopped, and that I won’t have it in me to try again. I want this to work so badly, and I know—I KNOW—how lucky, how extraordinarily lucky, I am to have gotten pregnant at all. I am counting the days until the second trimester, and feeling simultaneously scared that I won’t make it that far at all and scared that if I do, this sickness won’t end there, but instead will continue the whole way through, which seems unbearable to contemplate. I worry about taking all these drugs, and I’m angry that I have to, that I can’t be one of those serene natural pregnant women who blithely swallows a prenatal vitamin and CERTAINLY doesn’t have daily injections, suppositories, and seven different pill varieties on rotation. Pregnancy after infertility and loss is complicated enough, and this adds another layer of worry and guilt, and feeling ungrateful and broken.
So that is where I am. Yesterday I fell asleep before I could post anything, and this took me all day to type, so I can’t even promise that was a one-time lapse. Right now, “one day at a time” is the best I can do. It’s good enough. Today, I have no reason to think that this pregnancy is doomed. I have no reason to think that I won’t feel somewhat better at 12ish weeks, if I make it that far.
Simone has recently noticed the sun, or rather the lack of it in the evening, and I have to reassure her daily that it will come back up again, that it always does. I ought to listen to myself once in awhile.
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you poor dear, you have every right to complain. I do hope you feel better soon.
I’m sorry. I was one of those people who was sick for my entire pregnancy. Not Zofran-requiring sick, but nausea 24 hours a day and total food-aversion (after I delivered I was down from my pre-pregnancy weight by 10 pounds). I have no warm fuzzy memories of being pregnant, even those sweet moments of feeling the babies move are overshadowed by the relentless nausea. I got nothing done outside of my job (which I was determined to keep so I could get paid maternity leave) and complained to anyone and everyone who would listen to me. I had a high-risk pregnancy (triplets) and lived from ultrasound to ultrasound and totally get the guilt about complaining about something that you are desperate to protect. Hang in there, only 33 weeks to go.
I was in a similar position when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I wasn’t actually vomiting, but felt like I was going to from 3 days post conception until my son was delivered at 35 weeks (due to preeclampsia that had me hospitalized at week 31). The high risk OB I saw for my level two ultrasound prescribed benadryl and pepcid. He said something about different drugs affecting different triggers. My then 2.5 year old daughter spent a lot of time watching TV and staying with grandma. While it affected her deeply, she is now a happy and well-adjusted 10 year old.
Also my co-worker and partner in misery, who was in her second of three hyperemesis pregnancies, had the zofran pump plus reglan. That combo with iv fluids gave her three beautiful children. Hang in there and don’t give up on finding a drug cocktail that will work for you.
I wonder if salt would help any? It was the one thing that kept me from feeling [normal] nausea. Ginger didn’t work at all.
A belated “Congratulations!” and a timely “So sorry to hear that!” I did not know how bad “morning sickness” could be until my pregnancy. I had hyperemesis the first trimester, a few urgent care trips for fluids, B6 and Unisom, etc. I probably should have gotten a stronger prescription since I was vomiting about 20 times a day, some days, but….well, it was complicated. Anyway, I only mention this as a way of giving you a “knowing nod” and wishing you strength to get through this. Some days I felt subhuman, lost on a raft no one else could see, unable to focus on a page, tv screen, or face….just existing. I’m hoping your raft lands soon and deposits you, safe and sound, on steady ground.
Oh shit. You may feel better(ish) at 12 weeks, but I’m not going to feel better until you quit puking and are holding a live baby. Hmph. So there.
Complain away. I wonder how it is we continue as a species sometimes if this is how reproducing feels. Honestly.
You poor thing! I had 24/7 nausea and could barely eat/drink anything for the first 14 weeks of this pregnancy (I’m closing in on 20 weeks now), and it was hell trying to work, teach, and deal with my two toddlers. But I know it is probably a thousand times worse for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself! You are doing an amazing thing. The good news is, if you’re feeling awful, hopefully your body is doing what it is supposed to do! Hang in there and know I’m thinking of you!
Oh I’m so sorry. I am a little farther along in the trenches than you and beginning to have better days (only one trip to the toilet) but it is AGONIZING! There is something almost unbearably cruel about the mixture of hyperemesis and babyloss. I also have a sordid past when it comes to all things maternity-related and I am also parenting a surviving twin and nurturing a surprise, welcome but terrifying pregnancy. I hope that this will pass soon for both of us and that we may get a taste of that elusive phrase “enjoying a pregnancy”.
Oh, how I feel for you. I am only 2 months from a pretty terrible pregnancy myself, so it’s almost all too fresh to discuss without feeling pukey myself. Gah. So sorry.
Sending magical best-pregnancy-ever-vibes your way to dissipate the yucky stuff you’re dealing with now. Hoping that this is soon all in the past and that you’ll enjoy a crazy good pregnancy from here on out. This is me, over here, believing in magic for you. Because you, Scott and Simone deserve that. So. Deserve That. xo
Having just read your book and just discovered your blog I was over the moon to see the pictures of your beautiful Simone and to see how well she is blossoming, you are obviously doing a great job. I have a wilful almost 2 year old girl who doesn’t seem to understand time out and a 16 week old girl neither of whom seem to be understanding the concept of sleep at the moment! I know what you mean about mainly just knowing what is right, we only turn to books in emergencies! I am so pleased for you that you are pregnant and I’m sending positive vibes across the pond both for a successful pregnancy and a swift end to the dreaded not just in the morning sickness. Good luck.
Oh, you poor dear :( I would not wish this kind of nausea on my very worst enemy, let alone a cool person like you. I am currently 4w6d myself, and I have never has nausea like you describe, not even during my worse hang over. I wish I could take about half of the nausea you’re experiencing on to myself, then we would both feel half functional, but not too bad. I’m just so, so sorry you have to go through this. Infertility makes it all worse with the guilt and the fear. I wish there was some magical herb/tea potion that would knock the sickness on its ass (THC?…I know, it can’t be good for the baby…but I hear it works wonders) but I know that if Zofran isn’t kicking it, nothing else probably will :(
With sympathy…
I had the birth-control induced hg as well, when I was 16 or so. then again during my first pregnancy. for 42 weeks I had the worst motion sickness ever. Then it lasted for another couple weeks. I thought I was never going to enjoy eating again. When I got pregnant back in august, I just kept waiting for the vomit-time bomb to go off. When it hadn’t by 10.5 weeks and my denial had waned, I slogged over to the ER. Of course it was bad news.
I do hope things brighten up for you nausea-wise. Another blog about hg in pregnancy: http://hgkaren.blogspot.com/ I wish I could get my dr. to be as pro-active about hospital admission as hers was.
As I read your post, I kept nodding and saying, “Exactly!” I, too, am ridiculously sensitive to the hormones (could barely keep down the twice-reduced micro-dose BCPs required for my IVFs); suffered grievously from hyperemesis, constipation and all other manner of digestive upset during my just-completed final pregnancy; and felt like a horrible mother/duty-shirker each day as I got home late from the office without the power to help my husband with the kids, cooking or housework. All I could do was lie down in dark room and whimper.
Even with Zofran, the nausea was awful, though the actual vomiting was greatly improved. (With my first two, I had what I thought was pretty bad morning sickness, but it was laughably bearable compared with actual hyperemesis–even my temporarily-triplet pregnancy was not as heinous.) On a positive note, I was able to curtail the Zofran at around 18 weeks and drop it entirely at around 26 weeks, at which point my digestive system returned to some semblance of normalcy.
I relied on three”magic” foods for most of those first 18 weeks: Triscuits, extra-sharp cheddar and baked potatoes. I hope there’s something out there that serves as your magic food. Anything to avoid the IV!
We’re all rooting for you and the non-vetted fetus. I hope you feel better soon.
Humming music from Annie for you, but quietly in case it annoys you.
Pregnancy can be a bitch, and feeling simultanously lucky/blessed and sick/worried is a fairly normal and healthy reaction to it.
But, you are pregnant. And beautiful. Wish I lived closer to you.
Oh yuck. Hope today is a good day, with less puking.
So I just wanted to tell you that in honor of your frequent posting and fledgeling pregnancy, I’m re-reading Half-Baked and now I want to go back and read all your blog archives. You’re a very compelling writer!
I had a friend who suffered from hyperemesis and was hospitalized multiple times during pregnancy. When I was in my own version of “spending all day concentrating on not puking” and trying to just get through one day at a time, she said the best advice any of the nurses gave her was to focus on getting through just one minute at a time. That a whole day is too overwhelming of a goal, so each moment that you’re experiencing, your goal is to just get through that particular moment. Eventually enough of those add up to days and weeks passing, and at some point (regardless of whether or not you stop feeling so awful) you have a baby. I’m not sure that’s any consolation, but I liked to try to remember that when I felt horrible.
Oh dear, I feel for you. I spent a lot of weeks in misery and pain during my first pregnancy. (I also contracted a UTI, which I normally get under control in a matter of a day or 2. I couldn’t shed it because I could not keep enough fluids down and the antibiotics my ob prescribed didn’t stay down long enough). I also tried all kinds of medications and while it is nice to not throw up, because you don’t have to worry about dehydration too much, it didn’t help with the intense nausea which rendered me also completely helpless and miserable. I was blissfully unaware of these side effects of pregnancy and only after having gone through this, I understand it. My cousin was hospitalized twice for hyperemisis during her pregnancies. I could relate when I heard about it, but only because I had been suffering myself. I think it is very hard to understand for outsiders just how miserable you can feel by something “natural” like pregnancy. There should be much more education around this subject. Everyone has heard about the pregnancy glow, most everyone has heard about “morning sickness”, but nobody knows the just “sick as a dog and worse” part. Or they think you are exaggerating. I feel nauseous just thinking about it again…
It’s okay, not all of pregnancy is fuzzy kittens and unicorn sparkle. Just because you’re insanely grateful to be pregnant in the first place doesn’t mean that you don’t absolutely hate it at times.
Like you, I had a miserable time with nausea and hyperemesis during my pregnancies. Zofran IS a miracle drug, and the pump is a big help, but it still wasn’t enough. I tried all of the little tips and tricks that people recommended, and as a result, if I never see another ginger-flavored ANYTHING in my life, I’ll be perfectly all right with that.
The one home remedy that DID seem to help a bit was one given to me by a cousin who had just finished a round of chemo. She suggested that I smell a fresh-cut lemon wedge every 10 minutes or so. I was skeptical, but I’ll be darned if it didn’t seem to make things a tiny bit easier. I also took miniscule sips of lemon water, so I was able to put the lemons to good use. :)
Hang in there, Alexa. The nausea is temporary – even if temporary may take longer than you’d like. This too shall pass.
I am soooo sorry. I too lost weight on b/c pills and had hyperemesis which landed me inpatient for 8 days at one point. What helped me – and this is totally individual like all of the other advice – rehydration IV’s Mon. Wed. and Fri., one bag with glucose, 2 bags just saline (found thru trial and error) from week 5 -18. Double eating – eat, puke, and eat the same meal a second time. For some reason some of the second meal would stay down. Phenergan – which made me so sleepy that I couldn’t take care of the 3 1/2 year old – which led to the most important trick of all – get a nanny for a few weeks. College break is coming up fast, and there will be lots of students looking for temp jobs. Post notices at the local universities looking for someone studying early childhood ed. I was too sick to get out of bed except for the trip to the hospital for the IV’s and too weak to drive, so the college student who took care of my daughter for 6 weeks drove me to the hospital and took care of the kiddo for the hours that my husband was in work. It was relatively inexpensive, and we were really poor at that point as I couldn’t work, but family chipped in to cover some of the expenses. My kiddo got to lots of great attention – the nanny took her everywhere to get her out of the house so I could lay quietly and focus on not throwing up, playgrounds and parks and the children’s museum, library etc. etc. – and she remembers very little of that time except for how mauch fun she had with the nanny. I weighed 105 lbs (at 5’6″) at my 20 week apppointment – down 22 lbs, but baby weighed a solid 5 1/2 pounds when she arrived at 38 weeks and was healthy. Just like the doctors promised, the baby took what it needed.
And please feel free to complain any time you feel well enough to sit up and type. Would you expect a cancer patient to be greatful about throwing up through chemo just because it might cure her? So why should you feel greatful about feeling terrible just because there is hopefully a baby at the end? Please ask for help if you need it. We are all pulling for you.
Thinking of you…..
Karen
Thinking of you. Can you teach Simone to blog in your stead? :)
My mother had hyperemesis (was hyperemetic? GRAMMAR), and informed me that, in hindsight, she would have cheerfully aborted me. I believe her, and I do not blame her. She remains a fantastic mother.
COngrats on the pregnancy- sorry to hear about the “hangover” I’m almost 15 weeks of my second pregnancy (well third I guess but second to make it this far) (fertility issues with all as well) and just thought I’d share nausea was waaay worse for me this time as well- no puking but yeah hangover all day long- happy to report at 12-13 weeks things have evened out and I feel waaaaay better! hope the same goes for you as well!
Just a note to say that I am thinking about you, and I hope you are feeling better. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.
Wow, do I know what you are saying. I just got done with this, and it is absolute hell. The nurse told me to take colace every day regardless, I’m not sure if you’re already doing that but thought I’d offer the suggestion. Also: if you can eat, try to eat things like cucumbers, grapes, watermelon, anything with a high water content, this helped me a lot to stay hydrated. Also, going to get fluids helps a little — if you start feeling really significantly worse than usual, that is probably a sign you need fluids. Good luck, and the results will be worth it.
Can you just give a word so we know how things are? I will keep you in my prayers!
Natalie
sorry I’m a little late to the party (yes, I do know this was posted a month ago :) ) but as yet another one of those “puked for 9 months” during my first pregnancy women… my midwife suggested I try Floravit during my 2nd. It is a liquid vitamin (not maternity though, you still have to take folic acid) and it made a world of difference for me (I should add that I puked with or without maternity vitamins the first time, they just made it worse.)
I have no idea why it helped, but after I started taking it, the only time I decorated random bushes was the week I ran out of it. I didn’t let THAT happen again until after my son was born and it was a completely different pregnancy!
(BTW, those damned ginger-pops just made me gag, but I know others swear by them.)
CONGRATULATIONS!!
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