A Title Eludes Me.

by Alexa on December 26, 2011

My dad died last week.
The funeral is tomorrow, thus in between his dying and his funeral fell the holidays, which were honestly joyful; the day he died was also the day I saw an apparently healthy and obviously human baby at my nuchal translucency scan. It would be nice if events occurred in emotionally coherent groupings, but as I am all too aware, they seldom do. To be fair, even my emotions seldom occur in emotionally coherent groupings, especially when it comes to my father. I suppose this is fitting, then.

More, much, anon.

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{ 135 comments… read them below or add one }

electriclady December 27, 2011 at 9:13 am

Complicated indeed. I’m so sorry about your father. And happy to hear about the human baby.

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carolyn December 27, 2011 at 9:16 am

I am so sorry. My dad died the Friday before Thanksgiving this year. The range of emotions is wide and intense and rarely makes sense.

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GingerB December 27, 2011 at 9:20 am

Hey guess what? Most of my favorite people had “complicated” relationships with family members, especially parents. Maybe the extra scarring is what makes us so much fun? I am super glad you got to have someone you enjoy as much as you enjoy your mom though – that helps you, I bet. I remember once attending a morning funeral for my friend’s not-that-old husband, a soldier struck by leukemia probably caused by chemical exposure in combat, then in the afternoon watching my best friend take her oath of office to become a public official in the same place where I am a bigwig official – all while not telling anyone about my pregnancy which excited me beyond words but which I didn’t dare believe in yet (why what you wrote about not feeling “real” resonated so much with me). Many tears were shed and my emotions were like a roller coaster and it all felt so very unreal and strange to have such highs and lows within minutes and viewing it all through the lens of my secret baby who was about to get a CVS test.

Dear, I do not envy you all the living you are doing today – given the choice I’d settle for something less exciting, myself, but then you don’t get that choice, really. We’ll wait for you as we always do, because we love you so.

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lorak December 27, 2011 at 9:29 am

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Wishing you peace while thinking of you and your brother, your family, and the little human.

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Alison C December 27, 2011 at 9:43 am

So sorry for your loss and happy for the results of your scan.

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Lindsay December 27, 2011 at 9:54 am

I am so sad for you about your dad. Thinking of you and your family.

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Kimberly December 27, 2011 at 10:28 am

It’s always hard to lose someone, but it’s especially difficult over the holidays. Praying for you and your family.

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Gemma December 27, 2011 at 11:38 am

I’m so sorry, Alexa.

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Stefanie December 27, 2011 at 11:41 am

Was so happy to see you post then sad to hear your first news but happy to hear the second part. I’ve been thinking of you and sending the most positive thoughts your way. I wish there were some way I could make this about me…guess I can’t.

Peace.

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Melanie December 27, 2011 at 11:59 am

so sorry for your loss Alexa….very glad you have had some joyful moments/and healthy baby scan too..

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Halyn December 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I’m so happy for the baby news; so sorry for the news of your father. I keep writing more and then deleting it because it doesn’t read as nicely as I would like it to, so I’m going to leave it at holding you and yours in my thoughts…but RE: Baby News…SO!! EXCITED!!

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Momma, PhD December 27, 2011 at 12:31 pm

So sorry to hear that. My condolences to you and your family.

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Kim December 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your father, and very happy to hear about your growing baby’s progress. Thinking today about my own father, who, as it happens, would have been 101 if today if he hadn’t died almost 30 years ago. Love to you. Take care.

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Sue December 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I’m sorry for your loss, Alexa. I don’t know you IRL but I know how much your heart is hurting. I lost my dad (and sister, and step-dad) when I was younger. Keep breathing. Hold the ones close to you tight. And cut yourself slack for everything else. You’re no stranger to grief but each loss hits you differently, in ways you might not expect. Hang in there.

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Nothing But Bonfires December 27, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Oh Alexa, I am sorry. I can’t even imagine the jumble of feelings. I’ll be thinking of you.

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Deborah December 27, 2011 at 1:40 pm

So sorry to hear about your dad. And that really is a profound little paragraph you just wrote. I hope the happy makes you feel better about the sad, instead of just leaving you emotionally confused.

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mo December 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Really sorry to hear this. You’re in my thoughts.

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Lise December 27, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I’m so very sorry.

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Becky December 27, 2011 at 2:19 pm

So sorry for your loss Alexa.

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Jodi December 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm

So sorry to learn of the passing of your father. Poignant timing, indeed.

Even in a brief post about the death of your father you give us a gift:

It would be nice if events occurred in emotionally coherent groupings, but as I am all too aware, they seldom do.

That’s what your writing is, you know. A gift. To us. I’m so embarrassed because I didn’t get you anything!

Chin up, tits out. You’ll get through this.

(There’s my gift — the completely misplaced and way-to-personal use of the words “tits”. You’re welcome.)

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Carrie December 27, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I’m so sorry, Alexa.

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Heather December 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Sending hugs and love. I hope you’re doing alright.

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Bobbi December 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Thinking of you.

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MJ December 27, 2011 at 6:43 pm

As I remember, you had a rather ambivalent relationship with your father (and apologies if I am misremembering), which makes all of this even more difficult. Good luck getting through this, and I am very happy to hear that your pregnancy is progressing.

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laura December 27, 2011 at 7:25 pm

(((alexa)))

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Gina December 27, 2011 at 8:21 pm

My much awaited daughter was born the day after my mother’s funeral. We realized she was terminal the day before Mother’s Day.
Have you read “Fortunately”? It’s a kid’s book that seemed appropriate.

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Orodemniades December 27, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Oh Alexa, my sincerest condolences. And my congratulations.

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RuthWells December 27, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I lost my father this past June. I’m so sorry.

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KP December 27, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I am so sorry. My great-grandmother passed away two years ago around the holidays, so I’ve experienced the oddness of joy and sorrow and missing someone and also enjoying the presence of loved ones all coexisting at once. It was strange, but I suppose also better than having just the sorrow and just the missing-someone without the mingled joy and warmth of family (and, in your case, the live baby still growing away in there). Many congratulations on the baby!

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JB December 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm

My sincere condolences for your loss. I know how it feels. *Hugs*

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JP December 27, 2011 at 9:24 pm

My sympathies are with you and your family, Alexa.

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Colleen December 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I’m sorry for your loss. But happy for your ongoing not-not-pregnant status. Hang in there.

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(another) karen December 27, 2011 at 9:29 pm

THinking of you. On both fronts.

karen

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decemberbaby December 27, 2011 at 9:50 pm

And thus, you get an emotionally incoherent comment: I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m so excited for you about the obviously human fetus! Hugs, both happy and sad, from a frequent reader but infrequent commenter.

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Slim December 28, 2011 at 6:23 am

I’m just going to focus on your scan results (yay!) because I don’t think I have the emotional depth to say anything appropriate about the death of a parent who created the relationship your father did.

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Gaby December 28, 2011 at 9:50 am

I’m sorry to hear about your father and what I can only imagine to be your conflicted emotions/thoughts. We will be here if and when you need us. So glad to hear that your little one is doing well and quite human.

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Life of a Doctor's Wife December 28, 2011 at 10:40 am

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you warm thoughts.

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CJ December 28, 2011 at 11:16 am

Oh my dear, I wish you peace and clarity. I am sorry about your father. It is wonderful to hear that the ultrasound showed a little human form. I remember our 11 week ultrasound like it was yesterday. A little person doing somersaults. Life marches on.

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Jessica December 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I’m very sorry for your loss.

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Leah December 28, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you peace. Glad to hear about the obvious human inside of you. xo

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Lut C. December 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I’m very sorry for your loss.

And indeed what a tangle of emotional events.

Congratulations on the good u/s, I’m so pleased for you.

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Hairy Farmer Family December 28, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Oh, my dear, I’m so very, very sorry. I wish I could bound over and give you my biggest category of Hug, but I must settle for offering my sincerest sympathies. You poor girl. I do wish there was something clever I could say. My absolute bestest love to you all; you are in my thoughts even more than you already were, which was lots. Chin up, lovey.

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Lauren December 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Holding you in the light.

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Karen December 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Many condolences to you. My grandpa passed away shortly after the new year. He waited till after he had his birthday as well. It’s not easy at all. HUGS.

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Angelina December 28, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Alexa I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Thinking of you.

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Jenn December 28, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I’m so sorry.

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loribeth December 28, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I am sorry to read this. Sending virtual (((hugs))) & prayers.

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Lynn/PA December 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm

I am so sorry about your dad.

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Miss Grace December 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I’m sorry.

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Erin December 29, 2011 at 12:19 am

So sorry- all the best to you and yours.

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