What To Expect When You Wear Your Baby to Paintball (Now with Absurd Coda).

by Alexa on January 2, 2013

I was flitting about the Internet, trying to find out whether I might be wearing my Ergo improperly (I have never been quite clear on where, precisely, it should buckle about your midsection), and I found a site all about babywearing. Now, I love wearing baby. And my baby loves being wore! Why, just last weekend, I was able to enjoy an afternoon at the museum, with only minimal shrieking, thanks to the soft carrier holding Twyla snugly against my person.

Still, I have never tried to climb a tree while infant-bearing, nor to stoke a fire or play a game of touch football (to be fair, I haven’t done the latter even without a baby attached). I’d have thought the imprudence of these endeavors was self-evident, but according to the page devoted to babywearing safety, perhaps I am overly optimistic.

“Never jog, run, jump on a trampoline, or do any other activity that subjects your baby to similar shaking or bouncing motion. ‘This motion can do damage to the baby’s neck, spine and/or brain,’ explains the American Chiropractic Association.”

“If you shouldn’t do it while pregnant because of an enhanced risk of falls, you shouldn’t do it while carrying a baby. For example, your risk of falling increases when you climb a ladder, ride a horse, ride a bicycle, or go skating. Your risk of falling also increases on slippery surfaces like the ones you encounter when you go bowling, sailing, or spelunking. When a baby is in his mother’s womb, he has built-in protection, but a baby in arms or in a carrier does not have that protection.”

“If you should wear protective gear while doing an activity, you shouldn’t do it while carrying a baby. Baby carriers do not provide hearing protection, eye protection, protection from projectiles such as rocks flung from a lawn mower, protection from fumes or dust such as occur during lawn mowing and some household cleaning tasks, or protection from falls.”

Okay, so…Okay.
So far, we have: Jumping on a Trampoline, Horseback Riding, Ladder-Climbing, Bicycling, Ice-Skating, Bowling, Sailing, Spelunking, and Lawn-Mowing. According to the experts, none of these are suitable activities for a person wearing a helpless infant strapped to his/her chest. I hope you are all taking notes.

And because you can never be too careful, I propose we add the following to the list of Non-Recommended Activities:

1. Lion Taming
2. Rugby
3. Snorkeling
4. Acting as ‘Lovely Assistant’ to Amateur Knife-Thrower
5. Diving, Cliff
6. Diving, Conventional
7. Trapeze
8. Big Game Hunting
9. Bullfighting
10. Beekeeping
11. Stilt-Walking
12. Wrestling
13. Undergoing Whole-Body Seaweed Wrap
14. Pole-Vaulting
15. Re-enacting “William Tell” with Friend Who Has Recently Taken Up Archery
16. Surfing
17. Skiing, Water
18. Skiing, Downhill
19. Zumba
20. Luge

Be safe out there!


When I first posted this on Wednesday night, the picture above did not have a Modesty Rectangle. In my defense, when I looked at it on my phone I didn’t much notice my HEAVING BOSOM in the lower portion of the frame, a fact which seems a impossible to me now. I blame the wee size of phone pictures and also Baby Goggles (i.e. “Look at my nice baby! I wouldn’t notice if this picture also included a nude stranger/spectral image/ROUS, so fixated am I on said nice, nice baby”).

But a friend (TJ) made a comment, and I investigated, by which I mean I pulled up my site on my computer, gasped, and made a strangled sound that was half horror, half amusement. Okay, 70% horror, 30% amusement. Scott was passing by and I turned the computer to him. “This is bad, right?” I asked, just in case I was overreacting. He didn’t answer me, as was laughing too hard.

I made a very hasty Modesty Rectangle and reuploaded the picture. Alas, as soon as I pressed ‘PUBLISH,’ my site crashed. I knew I hadn’t done anything code-wise that would cause such a thing to happen, and so for a little while, I was legitimately concerned that I had been shut down because of the photo.
“Maybe I got flagged as porn?” I fretted to Scott, retreating to the kitchen for some restorative potato chips.

Scott helpfully reminded me that the Internet is not exactly known as a Boob-Free Space.

“Have you SEEN the Internet? You could put porn on your blog. Not that I am suggesting you should, but you could, and nothing would happen.
“No, I don’t think its allowed! By my host or whatever. I’m not, you know, zoned for porn.”


Anyhow, it turned out there was a server problem unrelated to my cleavage, so all that sturm und drang for nothing. Except that my site was down for hours, up briefly, and then down for another day, and apparently my pre-Modesty-Rectangle boobs are still out there in people’s RSS feeds. So that is fun for me.

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