Ministry of Grievances.

by Alexa on June 5, 2014

I am having one of those days. Weeks, even. And it is rude to complain because I am so lucky etc. but guess what? I am declaring this post the Official Complaints Department and I have some complaints to register and you should all feel free to do the same. No need to preface your complaint with how you KNOW it could be WORSE, just go right ahead and get down to business.

And the first person who says “yes, well at least you HAVE a job/a house/arms/whatever will be summarily shot.

1. The bottle of wine I opened last night was obviously corked and undrinkable, and so now I have no wine.

2. I have gin, but no mixers, and before you suggest a martini let me just inform you that I lost the top of my cocktail shaker (still a glass baby bottle—convenient to have measurements right on the side) so that idea is out.

3. Today is not Friday, but Thursday.

4. I am wearing an insubordinate shirt that tries desperately to curl itself up and expose me anytime I walk anywhere.

5. I have reached the peeling portion of my sunburn (which, if you follow me on Twitter, you are no doubt sick to death of hearing me complain about already) and not only is it very itchy but it is very, very disgusting, and every time I move I worry about whether or not FLAKES OF MY OWN SKIN are visibly falling from me, or dancing around my person in a Pigpen-esque cloud.

6. Today is the ten year anniversary of my first date with Scott, and instead of celebrating he will be spending the evening in training for his new second job, and I will be alone with the children during their Crabby Hours.

7. This second job, while helpful in offsetting our very high summer childcare costs, means that Scott will soon be away working on Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings while I watch the children. Because it is my busy season, I have been in the custom of going into the office on Saturday mornings myself, because I cannot stay late enough during the week to get everything done AND pick up Simone on time. Now I will probably have to go in on Saturday afternoons, which is 1000 times worse.

8. My hair is behaving unreliably and I have had just about enough of it.

9. In order to lose weight I have to eat less food but I LOVE food.

10. Simone’s last day of school is next Monday, because they had to add a day to make up for winter cancellations, and half the kids won’t even be there so they are treating both this Friday and Monday like the Last Day and it’s DUMB.

11. We are postponing our plans to buy a house for at least a few months and every time I think about it I want to cry or smash something or even better to cry while smashing things.

12. I want to finish the essay I am working on but I am only a few paragraphs in and just thinking about how much there is still to do makes me want to retire to my bedchamber.

13. All that fancy “retire to my bedchamber” business is in there because I was going to say “makes me want to lie down” but can’t for the life of me remember lay/lie with complete certainty, and never will be able to, GOD ENGLISH WHY ARE YOU SUCH A DICK ABOUT THIS.

14. Next week Simone will finish kindergarten and Twyla will turn two which means my children are all old.

15. I have no shoes for work that are both comfortable and attractive.

I am sure I could go on, but surprisingly that has cheered me up considerably, and I now feel prepared to murmur and shake my head sympathetically at YOUR complaints. Go on, don’t be shy.

{Ed. Note: If you don’t have any complaints I will thank you to keep that information to yourself.}

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