I woke up this morning feeling markedly aggrieved, and so I think it is time, once again, for us to present our Grievances to the Ministry.
As usual (yes, I know it was only one other time, DON’T MAKE ME ADD YOU TO MY LIST OF GRIEVANCES), anyone leaving a comment to the effect of “well at least you have [thing person is complaining about], etc., will be summarily shot. Harsh, but fair.
#1. I have been struggling with terrible Manuscript Wrist. This was a problem while I was writing my book, but has not been this bad since, and I am guessing that my cortisol issues (cortisol being an anti-inflammatory) are making it worse. By the end of the day I am in torment. I also have Raynaud’s, which the Manuscript Wrist causes to act up, and come afternoon my right hand is so cold that I would not need ice to make a perfectly chilled martini, but could simply swish my fingers around in the gin.
Things I have tried:
-Special beanbag thing placed under my wrist while I use the mouse
-Using “page down” button instead of scrolling
-Taking breaks to rest afflicted area/curse heavens
-Tempering my customary forcefulness w/r/to clicks and keystrokes
-Running right fingers under hot water or holding warm beverage
-Awareness of the existence of “ergonomics”
#2. I assume there is not just one person who designs the armholes of women’s sleeveless shirts and dresses, which concerns me, because that means some flaw in their collective training must be responsible for the fact that the armholes of almost every sleeveless shirt and dress I own are…well, they’re wrong. There is no other way to put it, really. They are just WRONG. The dress I am wearing today is the only one I can wear sans cardigan without showing VAST expanses of Side Bra, and do you know what size this dress is? An extra small. It is obviously one of Old Navy’s weird sizing aberrations, because I am not—by any definition except one that includes other species, or things like rock formations and architecture—“extra small.” Apparently, though, my armholes are. I am also of the (apparently minority) opinion that the size of an armhole should correspond to the size of its garment. Normally my shells and dresses are a medium, or an eight or a ten, because that is the amount of fabric I require to comfortably cover the relevant parts of my body. The armholes are then big enough to put my head through. This cannot possibly be correct.
True, I sometimes buy things a bit larger than I would otherwise because I need room in the chest to accommodate my large, er, lungs. But if a thing fits perfectly in every area except one, and the one area that does not fit is not an area that corresponds to an unusually sized body part, something is amiss. I have seen the arms of other people who wear my size and none of us need a space the size of THE RINGS OF SATURN to put them through. Obviously this batch of armhole designers will have to be fired and we’ll start fresh with a new one.
#3. Simone has surgery tomorrow to put tubes in her ears. If you are thinking “didn’t she have surgery to put tubes in her ears a long time ago?” you are correct! She did! The tubes did their job and fell out and if I were Marie Kondo I would have held them tenderly and thanked them for their service before discarding them, and that was supposed to be the end of that. That was not the end of that. Instead Simone went and gathered up a bunch of new fluid in her ears and can’t hear properly and so her ENT is doing the same thing all over again and I feel like the tubes aren’t working and they should just have her put a straw in each ear every night and lean to one side and then another in order to keep the fluid from building up but no one asked me so surgery it is.
#4. When you work with thousands of people, there are lots of bathrooms. Big bathrooms, with many stalls, and usually multiple bathrooms on every floor. When you work for a company with 85 employees, or at least for MY 85-employee company, the situation is different. We are on two floors, and have two sets of bathrooms. The women’s bathroom on my floor has two stalls, a sink, and is the size of the interior of your average compact car. For most people this is not a problem. Unfortunately, my bladder will not work if someone is waiting for a stall. Often it balks at even a person in the stall next door. I have tried reasoning with it, but to no avail, probably because you can’t reason with organs. And as this is such a small company, everyone who uses the bathroom is someone I know. Everyone sees when I WALK to the bathroom, and if someone then comes in, they know how long I have been there, and if I leave without doing anything it seems odd, like I was GOING to shoot heroin, but now that there is no privacy I’ve decided against it. I can’t just wait out the other person, because then they will wonder what on earth I am up to—or, more likely, will assume things about my bowels. I do not want anyone I work with even knowing I HAVE bowels! And, for the record, I don’t do anything with my bowels at work. I think you know me well enough to understand that anything other than pee is out of the question entirely. I have an Emergency Plan for bowels that includes leaving the office, going out into the skyway, and using an out-of-the-way bathroom there, where I am surrounded only by strangers. Luckily I haven’t had to deploy my Emergency Plan, and obviously it isn’t really appropriate for a once-an-hour-type situation, which is about how often I pee—that’s why it is called an EMERGENCY Plan. Anyhow, my grievance is that my bladder is about as crackerjack a piece of equipment as the rest of me, and people are going to think I am some sort of crazy person, which fine, maybe I am, but THAT IS BETWEEN ME AND MY TEAM OF HIGHLY-TRAINED PHYSICIANS.
#5. Bathrooms aside, the chief flaw of my new job as compared to my old one is that my friend Becky does not work here. I do not have many actual, corporeal friends. I keep meaning to make them, but it turns out that I am terrible at it. My one success in this area has been Becky, who is a credit to humanity and one of my very favorite people of all time. When we both worked for my previous employer, we’d catch up during the day by chatting on intracompany IM, and though we worked on different floors, we usually managed to meet to get lunch from the cafeteria to eat at our desks. Every once in a while we’d have time to eat lunch together, or we’d go on a walk or meet up to forage for snacks. Now we do not have intracompany IM. We are on our own for lunch and snack foraging. We email, and text sometimes, and we try to get together for our traditional monthly Quality Summit (an occasion on which we meet at a restaurant for drinks and appetizers and to discuss The Way Things Ought To Be, about which we have many opinions—it is sort of an in-person Ministry of Grievances, now that I think about it). This is all well and good, the email and the texting, but obviously inferior to the previous setup, and for some reason no one has put me in charge here yet so I cannot hire Becky away to work with me.
I have more grievances, but I seem to have run on quite a lot with each of my first five, so I am cutting myself off before I run out of time to post this.
(Not Enough Posting Time: Grievance #6.)